Dear Zad,
Should I keep the plug in for my 14 hour shift or no?
Does the Tin Man have a sheet metal cock? The answer is a resounding YES.
We love a little drama, and in our unending search for tiny dopamine hits this could definitely be a little thrilling for you. Whether or not you are preparing to get split in half like a magician’s assistant is your business, but to know that Suzanne at work is totally unaware that you are blasting kegels with your plugged up hole while she is showing you photos of her stupid niece… *chef’s kiss.*
My only recommendation… and I implore you… DO NOT FART. Now, I don’t know anything about physics (except that tossing my phone onto the bed somehow causes it to shatter against a wall in completely separate room.) But, I am very confident that attempting to rip ass with a plug in after 14 hours would cause an explosion not too unlike the one experienced by Mt. St. Helens in 1980. There would be pieces of your little sweetie baby body strewn like Mardi Gras beads across whatever shitty little Condé Nast office you work in. And needless to say, I think its safe to assume that when you plugged your butt up with the intention of someone playing in your guts later, you didn’t mean a forensic pathologist from the NYPD crime lab.
Love,
Your Zad
Dear Zad,
Is 27 too old to still be a virgin? Asking for a friend.
Instead of asking if you’re too old to be a virgin, maybe we need to ask why exactly, at 27, you’ve never gotten your dick wet or let anyone park the beef bus in tuna town. And if you ask Zad, either sex doesn’t interest you or you are scared shitless of something.
If it’s option A, then own it. If being perfectly happy without sex makes you happy, then that ain’t nobody’s goddamn business but yours. Let your little virgin pussy be the moment. Enjoy your puzzles. Start an interior design Instagram account. Use Twitter for something wholesome and useful. Honestly, enjoy the privilege of never having to wash your balls or asshole.
Otherwise.. you gotta get in there, get your hands dirty, and figure out your shit. Hypochondriac? Grossed out by cum? Scared of getting your asshole ripped open? Ain’t packin’? Paralyzed under the emotional weight of impossible body standards? Luckily for you, the gay sex market is a vast galaxy of varying tastes. Once you identify what is freaking you the fuck out about sex, you can find pretty much just about anyone to have fun with that will not only work around whatever boundaries you create, but likely be super into the same thing. Go at your own pace. Anyone that tells you any different is a fucking creep who definitely didn’t make any of the fuckin’ rules. And then hey – once you start getting comfy with that side of yourself, you might just find that there’s a sweet little gangbang pig slut deep down just waiting to come out and shine for the world.
Love,
Your Zad
Why is monogamy looked down on in the gay community? I feel like a black sheep for it sometimes.
I think it’s safe to say that people only judge what triggers them. Otherwise, they would probably just observe without evaluating it. That said, I’m sure each type of relationship dynamic faces their own “black sheep” scrutiny’s, and so any advice applied here would probably be universally applied to everyone:
In your particular case, try and consider that those judging your relationship tells you way more about their experiences than it should about your own. Whoever they are, they are probably doing the best they know how, just like you are. Just focus on that! You have found something that works for you, or else you would be doing something different.
But the key is to own the ever-loving *shit* out of it, monogamous or not.
A useful technique: develop a blanket statement you can throw at someone whenever they shade you for only having one boyfriend. “I know… so traditional and nauseating.” “I know, are we from 1901? Luckily it seems to be working for us so far.” It can be anything. But having something crisply prepared makes the other party aware that you are confident in the choice you made, and that’s just the way the mop flops, baby.
Love,
Your Zad
For more from Zad (AKA Josh) check out his Instagram right here.