Mark Bittlestone is a stand up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
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5 Straight Up Gay Ways to…do summer
Soooo summer is finally here (in the UK, I’m aware that 1. in the southern hemisphere it was summer ages ago and 2. in proper countries it’s been hot for ages BECAUSE IT’S JUNE), and I’ve got some more sage words of advice for you. As a reminder, this is a gay column about GAY things. Although I’m aware that it’s also summer for “straight people”, I neither know nor care how they spend it. This is a gay column for gay needs. To prove that, I’m going to try and crowbar the word gay into as many words where it absolutely doesn’t fit as possible. Here’s my 5 top tips…
1) Festigay.
You’ve booked every Pride festival your little lube- up fingers can find, you’ve assembled your “squad” (3 gays, 2 gals: you’ve got with 2 of the gays before and want to get with the other but he’s in a really boring relationship with a total square and you CANNOT understand what he sees in him; you also think one of the gals is “a bit much” but would never say this for fear of being outed as a gayxist (gay sexist)) and you’re ready to put rainbow glitter on your temple and scream Lady Gaga lyrics while vomiting on a street corner just outside the registry office in the provincial town where your parents got married 28 years ago. This may or may not be verbatim something that’s happened to me. No comment.
2) Holigay.
You’ve meticulously researched “good destigaytions” because although you’re telling everyone you’re going away for a “bit of sun”, in reality you’re going away for a “bit of cock”. I have actually only ever gone on holiday either with straight friends/family or with queer friends but to destinations with no gay scene at all. One time, however, I did force my straight friends to go to a gay bar with me – with immediate results! Within minutes I was giving a guy a blowjob in the bogs, then went back to his and had a threesome with his (admittedly much less attractive) boyfriend. So you go on your holigay, lads! Unless you’re in the UK, in which case, you can’t fucking go anywhere this summer. Go and live it large in Cornwall’s thriving gay scene….(that’s a joke, Cornwall has about as much of a gay scene as my arsehole aged 0-21 (none)).
3) Bottomless brunchgay.
It’s 10am on a Saturday morning. The rest of the world is having a lie-in, doing some gardening, or catching up on admin. But you’re swigging gin & tonic from a can in the queue for a mega bottomless brunch with your crew. You’re already hammered so spend 119 of your allotted 120 minutes screaming at the serving staff to “top me up” while your bestie squeals “not the first time you’ve been topped” and you reply “it is a bottomless after all”, before all falling about in paroxysms of gaylight (gay delight) and spilling your drinks onto the floor, thus recommencing the entire process.
4) Parkgay.
The moment the first ray of sun peeks through the clouds you’re out to your local park. Even though it’s 14 degrees Celsius and you’re quite literally shivering, you’re not happy until every family of four, every school group and every elderly lady walking with her wheel trolley at a speed even geologists consider glacial, has seen that you have 6.5 abdominals. You do you boyo! Get ‘em out for the lads!
5) Indoorgay.
You “don’t fit the stereotype” and you’re pretty proud that you’re not “one of those gays”. Pride is overly sexualised, in your opinion, and does actually do “more harm than good” for the LGBTQIA+ community. You enjoy warm ale, lower-league rugby, and masturbating about men many times younger than yourself. As far as you’re concerned, summer is overrated and roll on the fall! Whatever makes you happy, hun!
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