OREO NO SHE BETTER DON’T!
We’ve been crookied! Well that takes the biscuit!
Okay, apologies about the puns but as an Irish Gay, I was so excited to see that the so sought-after Chromatica Oreos come here, but not in the way you’d think. It was very much the ‘what I ordered online vs what I got’ meme in terms of how this played itself out. Ireland and the UK along with several European countries got a substantially different packet of Oreos than the US and Canada. The continent of America was blessed with pink wafers and green filling, a new flavour that transported the taster to Chromatica, via a sugar-rush
Across the pond in Europe however, we got regular vanilla Oreos cleverly packaged in a pink wrapper to conceal its shameful cash grab interior. So let’s dive into what happened! Pour yourself a cup of tea, and get ready to dunk your biscuit henny!
STRIKE ONE: TRYING THE QUEERS
Oreos’ first mistake was thinking the Gays wouldn’t notice! Miss thing! I’d like to remind Oreos that this same, gay community that identified a man by his right nipple! This is in reference to a man who went viral for getting a vaccine 2 days before said community identified him as a party-goer in Puerto Vallarta,
GaysOverCovid anyone? Using baseball terms, which (minus my Wii Sports experience) I am wildly unfamiliar with, was strike one!
STRIKE TWO: EU SUGAR LAWS
Strike two was less to do with Oreos and more to do with EU sugar laws. Something to note: this is a hypothesis, unfortunately, it seems that any and all information surrounding the mysterious exclusion of the pink and green Oreos outside of the US and Canada is suppressed online. We know the pink and green Oreos are pumped with sugar and if there’s something we all know the EU hates… Well, it’s the UK isn’t it, but also sugar! Most recently, the EU cracked down on fizzy drinks, or soda for my US queens, adding a 10% ‘sugar’ tax to non-diet fizzy drinks. As Tayce from Drag Race UK would say, ‘the cheek, the nerve the gall, the audacity, and the gumption!‘
This is one of the reasons it’s not too difficult to assume that the toxic pink and green Oreos, or ‘Sour Candy’ didn’t pass the EU vibe check and therefore were not having ‘Fun Tonight’ outside of the US and Canada.
STRIKE THREE: GAGA-WASHING
Strike three, which correct me if I’m wrong means – they’ve striked out, was the Gaga-washing. The LGBTQ+ community is used to the process of being washed out – every year for at Pride, in the form of rainbow-washing. Rainbow-washing allows corporations that don’t do tangible work to support LGBTQ+ communities at any other time during the year to slap a rainbow on top of something in the month of June and call it allyship. This (in a severely lesser way) is the case here, there is actually no new product for the ‘Chromatica’ Oreos sold outside the US and Canada. It is the same Vanilla Oreos in a Chromatica pink packaging creating the illusion of new product.
Firstly, I’d like to thank you all for coming to my TED talk, but don’t get it twisted the fight is not over! Stay tuned because if the gays are good at one thing it’s not giving up! So I’m sorry Oreos but as legendary All-Star Mrs. Montrese once declared, ‘I’m not holding sh*t back, oh at all!’ Reviews and rants coming soon… Alexa play 9/11 because Oreos are gunna need emergency services!
Article by Chris Murphy