5 Straight Up Gay Ways to…survive lockdown



1)Embrace your gayness.

I’ve just bought a dachshund puppy and every day I dress her in a blue sweater and walk her around Clapham Common speaking to her as if she’s my child (she IS MY CHILD). There’s no longer any veil between me, a gay man, and the parody of me, a gay man.


2) Ditch Veganuary.

I tried it. My farts were horrendous for three weeks. I gave it up. I just love meat too much!!! Ha ha…ha ha…ha ha. No but seriously it’s great for the environment and great for animals which are lovely but my god you are making a hard month harder (as if you could get harder right now, you’re reading my blog) by not eating butter. That stuff is my desert island food. That and Tom Daley.


3) Fantasise about straight guys from your past.

I find doing this maybe 2 or 3, or 4, 5, 6, 7 or 8 times a day really healthy. I create scenarios like “what if he had actually been gay all along” or “what if he had been willing to experiment” or “what if he wasn’t now happily married to a woman but instead was married to me and we adopted three wonderful children and lived on a farm in the Cotswolds together”. If you do it, DM me and we can compare fantasies. I’ve got some good ‘uns.


4) Bathe. A lot.

Ok guilty secret, one thing you need to know about me if you’re going to date me (which I assume is why you’re reading this blog, isn’t that what everyone wants?), is that I LOVE baths. The amount I bathe each day is inversely proportional to my mental health. So, in December 2020 when I was being dragged through a disciplinary process at a job from which I was eventually fired, during a year when I had sex once, I was averaging FOUR BATHS A DAY. And yes, you read that right, AVERAGING. That means for every day I had three, there would be another day when I had FIVE. Essentials: candles, incense, book (not kindle, repeat NOT kindle – I’ve dropped three in the bath which destroys my mental health and restarts the vicious cycle), Vitamin String Quartet, and….relaxxxxxxx. 

5) Doing. Nothing. Is. Fine.

Your Instagram feed is full of people on wholesome walks, learning the piano or speaking French to their cat, who they’ve taught to make its own tuna salads. This is fake bullshit. My Instagram feed looks incredible – go check it out – but trust me, I spend at least 2.5 hours a day staring at the wall wondering what is going on in my life, 1.5 hours a day in the bath, 4 hours fantasising about straight guys from my past, and then… there’s no time left in the day. Thank Christ for that.