Author: Mark Bittlestone
Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian and a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
5 straight-up gay ways to…say you’re gay without saying you’re gay
So “not coming out” is the new “coming out”. Fuck sitting mum and dad down and being like “there’s something I need to tell you”, just motherfu*king do you! Here’s five ways to come out without coming out, written from a cis gay perspective (because I am one) but do flip the pronoun as applicable. You’re welcome xx
1) Get with guys/ the same-sex publicly.
This is a classic “I’m not straight move”. If you have a bunch of mates and you can’t be bothered to come out to them, just get with a guy in front of them. They should surely get the message from that? Or get with one of them? Or all of them?
2) Bring a boy home.
If you wanna tell your parents you’re gay without saying you’re gay then bringing a boy home and getting with him at the dinner table is a good idea? Or shagging him really loudly so everyone hears? Or walking into your parents’ room and asking if they have any lube? That should surely send quite a visceral message??
3) Put a Shawn Mendes poster on your wall.
Once again I think this sends quite a clear message. I mean a really big poster of Shawn Mendes topless. If you want to go even further, just a naked photo of a man or a scene from a gay porn movie? Or blow up a photo of yourself naked and whack it on your wall because we all fancy ourselves right? Right???
4) Post piccies at Pride.
Or include a rainbow flag in your insta bio? Again although these don’t confirm anything 100% because you might just be an ally, I think it deffo suggests that you *could be* queer. Obv also you can play around with the pic at pride. Again, a photo of you being bummed will make things crystal clear…?
5) Turn sass up to a million.
This one is more subtle and obviously straight men can be sassy, but if we’re talking finger-clickin’ good sass then you’re making a pretty good case for being a homo in our very straitjacketed gender-presentation society. I’m talking about clicking your fingers when your boss asks you to do a basic task and saying “this bitch don’t do spreadsheets”. As you can tell I’ve never worked in/near an office and I’ve been fired from a job before 
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