Author: Mark Bittlestone
Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian and a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
1) By text.
Honestly, I really don’t recommend this. I did it once after a 3 month relationship and the guy I was seeing absolutely freaked out.
I mean I get it, it must be devastating to be dumped by me. But I lost control of the narrative ‘cos it became all about how horrendously awful it was for me to dump him via text instead of all the solid reasons why I was actually ending it. To be fair, I did include the goodbye wave emoji in it, sooooo maybe he had some grounds to be annoyed. Cya 
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2) By video call.
This is a step up from text but I think it’s a good compromise. The issue with in-person dumping is really how to set it up.
If a partner texted me saying “hey let’s go for coffee” I would just be like, “look if you’re gonna dump me I cba to buy a latte so just do it on here”. But then as per point 1 some people think being dumped by text is equivalent to being shot in the face at point blank range sooooo the aim is really to leave them with as little as possible to complain about.
So just do the video call and prep the “not you but me” vibes. It’s like jerking off on the train: awful but just get it over with.
3) In person.
As cynical as I am, probably if it’s 3 months + then you perhaps do owe them an in person convo. Probably worth prepping (emphasis on PreP amirite) them for it like essentially telling them in advance that this is not gonna be fun and games.
Aim for neutral territory like Starbucks or Switzerland. Do NOT and I repeat do NOT invite them over to yours. There’s a chance they might linger and keep asking the same boring questions about why you’re breaking up with them and you might never get rid of them!!! And don’t forget to bring the underwear they left at yours so you never have to fucking see them again 
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4) The ghost 
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Ooft this is harsh butttt I think if it’s two-way it’s fine. I’ve been on a couple of dates recently that were fun but probably not going further and we mutually ghosted each other – just didn’t message subsequently.
Ikr who the fuck are these guys who aren’t texting me daily begging for another date????!!!! Beats me. Just remember though, ghosts can come back to haunt you and if you do straight up ghost someone you will 100% bump into them when you’re on a date and it will be horrendous. (Deffo never happened to me before 
…)
5) A proxy.
Sooo I’ve never done this but how funnnn would this be! Sending a friend to break up with a partner on your behalf . Honestly iconic diva behaviour. Imagine – “sorry Mark’s to busy to be here but yeah he wanted to me to tell you that he’s breaking up with you”. Absolute carnage. Fuck it, I’m doing it next time.
For more from Mark follow him on Instagram here and check out some of his videos below!
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