Wake up, everyone! The past has been QUEERWASHED, and we’ve been written out of it.
So, who could be better qualified than me, Mark Bittlestone, a comedian, to provide an insight into the peoples of the past and uncover the myriad ways in which they were actually, really fucking gay?
Now, I won’t lie, I did actually get a double first in history from Cambridge University, but in this column I’m no doubt talk a lot of shit and trash all over that quite impressive academic achievement – so don’t come here for realtalk xx.
5 Ways the Ancient Egyptians Were Super Gay
So for my first blog of this brand new sexy historical series, I thought I’d go for an open hole (sorry, meant goal! what am I like) and pick a culture that was sooo obviously chockacock full of queers, but we were taught about so heterosexually in school: the Egyptians!!
Here’s five ways they were actually, really very gay:
1) Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum.
First of all, the first guys’ name: Khnumhotep. Cum-hoe-tep. I saw that very screen name on Grindr not three weeks ago, and he could not host.
So, the tomb of these two men from 2500 BC was discovered in the 1960s and there was a mural of them literally nose-rubbing and – I’m not even joking – they were MANICURISTS to the Pharoah Nyuserre.
Butttt the archaeologists who found them obviously decided they were brothers, because all brothers rub noses right? Right? RIGHT?
The jury is apparently still out as to whether these guys were “gay” in our modern sense of the word. but I’m sorry – I’m decided. They wanted to spend the afterlife together. They were fucking.
2) The obsession with cats.
Honestly, this is the biggest giveaway. An entire culture obsessed with cats. This image is from someone’s tomb, and like if this were a 2020s Instagram post, it would undoubtedly be captioned “tell me you’re gay without telling me you’re gay”.
Look at the arch on that cat’s back as well. A vers-bottom cat could never.
3) Tutankhamun.
No come on, these people are beyond parody now. If his title as “The Boy King” couldn’t get any gayer, look at his colour scheme!
He/ she/ they are dressed for Pride. The painted eyebrows, that perfectly manicured goatee, SNAKES ON HIS CROWN (my fit for Pride 2019 and it was everything), it is all beyond fierce.
Also, when they exhumed his body, he put a curse on all the archaeologists, and they all died soon after and that’s EXACTLY what I do when people piss me off. So, yeah, sorry to my primary school teachers but these people slayyyyed!
4) The Nile.
Ok so, on first look the delta has quite a vaginal vibe but remember these folk didn’t have drones or advanced mapping technology, so they wouldn’t have seen the gorgeous pudendum displayed below.
Instead, they would have seen their fellow Egyptian hunks washing and bathing which, apparently, they did four times a day!
Personal hygiene is inherently gay for a start. And the bathing, they’d be naked for that.
ALSO, the whole “upper” / “lower” all feels very top/ bottom to me.
5) The pyramids.
Ok so, apart from being phallic (admittedly only if your penis is a chode, which mine is), latest evidence shows that it wasn’t actually slaves who built the pyramids, but labourers paid with the best cuts of meat.
And if there’s one thing we gays love it’s ethical consumership. Right? Right? RIGHT?
Sadly, not y’all clog up my timeline with your latest Shein hauls, but regardless, each pyramid was built to deify an Egyptian Pharoah, and if that isn’t the ancient equivalent of forcing everyone to come to your glitz-and-glam themed 42nd bday party then I don’t know what is?!?!
So that, my friends, is why the Ancient Egyptians were super, super gay. Tune in next week for another far-fetched instalment of me trying to make everything gay as fu*k.
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