Dear Zad is a write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.
Dear Zad,
When is the right time to make it official with someone you’ve been seeing for months?
Hello sweetie baby,
This age-old question is tough, especially in a dead-eyed and digitized culture where we have to essentially dissociate like the Borg in order to handle the crushing weight of a world spiralling off its existential axis. But that said, I have a creative solution: clearly you need to go on a fake date with another guy. Not only is it a whimsical solution you might see in a light 1960’s Doris Day bedroom comedy, BUT the reaction it will illicit from the guy you’re seeing will catalyze the conversation you’ve been waiting for. That way, you never even have to bring it up! He doesn’t like that you’re hangin’ with another guy? Oh, is that so! Why not? Oh, he’s jealous! And why is that? Oh because he sees you as his and he wants to make it official now! Oh my god, perfect – done and done! The moment of truth, served in a perfectly organic plot line that will yield a concrete resolution.
Initializing a healthy conversation right off the bat can feel wooden, robotic and intimidating. Determining the right time to bring it up all on your own can leave you with more questions than answers. Sometimes, in order to feel things out, you need to get a little creative in order to keep your coolness intact. Does this solution make you normal? Absolutely not – but hey, if you can get a relationship AND a free fancy dinner out of it, then it sounds like you’re on your way to thriving in 2021.
Love,
Your Zad
Dear Zad,
What shitty wine should I buy from CVS to drink alone in my depressing apartment on Valentine’s Day?
Hello my little sommelier,
I want to challenge you to think outside the box for a second… think less about the very obvious answer of Franzia boxed wine to which I owe almost zero recollection of 2003, and more on what gloriously delicious feast to embark on that night. Yeah that’s right, I’m talkin’ snacks.
Since you clearly won’t be bottoming on Valentine’s Day, instead of being depressed about it like some white romantic comedy girl, or going on an expensive Galentine’s date with all your other bottom friends, you have an unprecedented opportunity in front of you: design a menu that will leave you full, satiated, and will have your one serotonin molecule gagging in a way that a lazy top from the financial district could never. You wanna go ham on the Cheeseburger empanadas from Empanada Mama? Get a whole bag of those shits, add sour cream! You want two medium two topping pizzas at $5.99 from Dominos to eerily show up only 11 minutes after ordering? Eat both! And get the Cinnastix!
Enjoy the freedom to lay in a heap of your own slothful and farty bliss while you still can, because one day… when you least expect it… you’ll meet someone great, and then you won’t be able to eat solids for six months until you can suppress all your inner demons enough to lock them down.
Best of luck, and Happy Valentine’s Day!
Love,
Your Zad
Dear Zad,
Should I be a slut for Valentine’s Day, or keep it cute and flirty?
The abridged answer: Be a slut. Full stop. I’m not even sure what would stop you from making this very obvious choice. Is it because you fear that the guy might move on because “you’re a ho and not relationship material?” If so, remember that allowing your decision to be dictated by an outdated construct created by dead people would be mad strange. In fact, as that most traditional moral values systems were created by lowkey racists, misogynists, and homophobes, maybe we shouldn’t let them govern our life choices. Sure, if this were 1901 I could understand your hesitation since exposing your ankle in public could have you permanently sent to a leper colony in the South Pacific. But the reality of 2021 is that expressing your sexuality exactly how you like is one of the healthier by-products in our current twisted reality. Hell, even the bbs in Bridgerton were lowkey clapping each other’s cheeks left and right.
Instead of the outdated idea that being a ho makes you cheap, it simply gives you all the power. You get all the sex you want. You dictate the terms. *You* ghost someone if they bore you or if you find yourself catching feelings you don’t want to have. You know what they say, a ho never gets cold. Besides, let’s be real: if you don’t put out, then he will probably just get bored with you and find someone else on the menu who will.
But all that said, being a ho comes with a heavy burden – one where you may need to be a little more strategic with peppering in your natural charm and intelligence. But the payoff is tremendous, because by striking the perfect balance between being a charming icon and being unafraid to give up your pussy, you will have everyone catching feelings for you in no time and you’re essentially what the kids might call “goals”. The gay. The gay agenda, even. The moment! Now, do I recommend flooding your bloodstream with party drugs and getting railed every night against the urinal trough at The Eagle? No. Yes. No! Do I recommend being a responsible ho who knows they can lock down a man whenever and *if ever* they please because they know how to combine their sexual persona with all their other fundamentally awesome qualities? You got it!
Love,
Your Zad
For anyone looking for good songs to cry to this V Day, we’ll start you off with this classique tear-jerker. Pass me the mf wine.