Author: Josh Mayhew
Dear Zad is a comedy write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is highly-experienced in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.
Submit your problems to Zad anonymously using the box below!
Dear Zad,
I’m a Brit living in the US and I’m uncut. I’m finding it to be a problem more than I thought it would be – like some guys just really aren’t into uncut. Most people are uncut in the U.K. and I’m very clean but some guys on Grindr are just like ‘no’ as soon as they find out. It’s not like there’s anything I can do about it. What do I do here?
Alright baby, so I’ll go ahead and just cut right to the chase. (Sorry, couldn’t help it.)
So sure I get the idea of pReFeReNcES, but refusing to hook up with someone because they have FORESKIN is comical and ridiculous to almost late 90s sitcom proportions. Like, it’s giving Frasier. It’s giving Spin City. Dharma and Greg could honestly never. All 21 minutes and the 3 commercial breaks of Veronica’s Closet are *beyond* shaking.
Don’t for a second think this has literally anything to do with you OR your (quite frankly more globally common) penis. It doesn’t take a smart and wildly talented nuclear physicist played by a 22 year old Sports Illustrated model in a James Bond movie to figure out that it has absolutely nada to do with you and everything to do with the ego of these Grindr clowns who don’t know to handle that D!
Guys out here are tryna act like big and tough during class until it comes time for recess and then all of a sudden they get sand in their panties. Either they don’t have the experience interacting with uncut dicks or are too insecure to admit that they can stand to try something new beyond their normal mayo-gay lives.
The bottom line on this: If someone unexperienced isn’t willing to try a new adventure, then they will probably be a forgettable lay anyway. You and every single one of your million extra nerve endings can find some better pumpkin pie at another bakeshop.
A real adult will always find a way to not only take you with whatever you got, but will also know how to enjoy those things too.
Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc
Anon in Sydney
Dear Zad. I don’t hook up a lot, maybe like 7 times this year. But on 5 of those times the guy has lost his hard on. Not straight away but at some point in the process. Granted we’ve been drunk on every occasion but still, it’s giving me a complex. I know I’m not ugly, I know I’m decent in bed. Is it just bad luck or is it me?
Hey bbe,
Great observation, and even better question. But I’m sorry to report that the answer is quite boring: it’s not you, it’s them. Let’s put it this way, if they got you into the sack, then you can rest assured that they find you attractive.
Also, the cold harsh reality? Dudes lose their boners sometimes. It’s literally just a physical reaction, and one that is highly contingent on a million fussy little factors. Maybe they are nervous, or light-headed from slamming back a million $4 well drinks at happy hour, or maybe they get performance anxiety. All of those are normal, awkward things that happen on a daily basis outside of the flashy and glamorous world of how gay sex is marketed on the internet for the purpose of selling things. But the point is – that’s his deal and not yours. He ain’t seeing that random ingrown hair on the bottom of your ankle and just going full limp bizkit like “NOPE! NOT THAT! CAN’T DO IT!”
So yeah… it’s def not you, bbe.
As far as it happening 5/7 times, I would say check your bussy for teeth. Or even claws? (I’m a horror buff so it’s always the first thing I look for.) If you’re in the clear on that front, then I’d say do a little investigative journalism in the moment. Take note of when his wood just totally peaces out. If you find a pattern, then maybe you now have sum’n you could try switchin’ up a bit on your end. At that point just keep learning what makes your partner tick and – unlike when LOST had to force 7 seasons to make sense in one 47 minute finale – it will probably work itself out beautifully and everyone will end up satisfied.
Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc
Anon in Sheffield
Dear Zad. I’m starting to think I might be bi. I had a gf (non sexual) at like 16 and then from 18 it was just boys. I’m 29 now and I’ve started to feel attracted to women again. I’m not sure if it’s sexual but it’s definitely something. But what if I try it with a girl and just can’t…. Perform. Should I give it a go?
First of all, Anon in Sheffield. (Ima call you Mr. Sheffield, to commemorate the iconic and legendary Nanny, Fran Fine.)
Wanna know the best part about LGBTQIA+ containing nearly every letter of the English alphabet? The fact that no matter how you identify, it is recognized as valid and our community is the best at realizing not one size fits all. (EVEN with the fussy size queens.)
And henceforth my advice will be the most Caucasian advice I’ve ever given: a Coldplay lyric. “If you never try, you’ll never know.” (Go ahead and delete me. I deserve it and won’t be mad.)
If you are curious, try it out! You may find yourself surprised at how many eligible females might be as equally intrigued, and probably wouldn’t mind a romp with a well-groomed, polite, eager-to-please man. Imagine that, right?
My only advice: be up front with them about your curiosity. Let them know the nature of these recurring feelings, and that they are living proof of them! It’s sort of – dare I say – romantic? The honesty alone will open up your chances of making an authentic connection and having an experience that will hopefully get you some of the answers you seek.
Oh and bi the way, before you hook up with a straight girl remember to groom your pubes. From what my female friends have told me, it would be a fresh change of pace.
Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc
For more from Zad (aka Josh), he’s on Instagram right here! Submit your own dilemmas in the box below…