Author: Josh Mayhew
Dear Zad is a comedy write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.
Submit your problems to Zad anonymously using the box below!
M***n, Chicago
Hey Zad. I’m about to turn 30 and I’ve never been in a serious relationship. Am I weird? Or unlovable?
Howdy M**n,
In our post-apocalyptic late-stage capitalist dystopia, I’m pretty sure that you’re allowed to finally free yourself from tethering a blueprint of life milestones to an age.
Personally, I think that it has become a full time job just to gather any remaining brain cells and serotonin molecules and functionally assemble them, so tbh I’m pretty sure you’re doing great.
As far as being unlovable, surely that is not the case. Naturally a little insufferable and obnoxious to be on a date with? Maybe!?? (JK bbe!) OR, more realistically, maybe you keep dating men who have attention span of a walnut and zero sense of emotional maturity. If so, be thankful that you haven’t ended up with any of them only to learn two years down the line that they were contemptible shit-bags all along.
Try and observe where it always falls apart and study that moment a bit. What you end up learning about yourself or others could really illuminate some things for you. In the meantime, take a deep breath and remember who the fuck you are.
Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc
Ja**s in South Wales
I notice I’m super confident around guys I’m not attracted to but then completely fall to pieces around any guy I am attracted to – and that doesn’t seem to fade even if I’m dating them. It makes relationships impossible. Am I doomed?
‘Ello bbe!
If you date too hot, you’ll be doomed.
Take a consensus among your most toxic friends – the ones that hate themselves enough to be disproportionately brutal. Tell them to rate you on a 1-10 scale, and once you have your rating make sure you date at least 2 notches below that. (I would normally say just 1 notch, but always leave a little wiggle room for any mental breakdown-induced glow-ups.)
Benefits of dating less hot include but are not limited to: 1- freeing yourself from living in the swampy mires of lusty haze all the time, 2- if he ever cheats, then you can always just tell yourself you can do better, and 3- you get to keep your signature confidence and remain as the kids say, that bitch.
Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc
An*y in San Fran
I’m a tall (6’3) bottom and it’s so annoying because everyone just assumes that because I’m tall I’m gonna top. And with some, even when I explain I’m pure bottom they always end up wanting me to top or vers. Which I have literally no desire to do.
Ah yes, the infamous fairytale curse of the Jolly green giant bottom.
Since my advice will always sorta run the gamut of “fuck the patriarchy, do whatever you want, nothing matters” I won’t advise you to change your preferences. As a bottom you’re one of God’s blessed creatures. I don’t care if you’re tall enough to be the leaning bottom of Pisa, if you wanna wear your feet as your earrings then live that dream, sweetie baby. But it kinda sounds like explaining that to these boys just ain’t cuttin’ it!
Maybe try making your botthomhood a little more obvious on the front end. We all knows gays are cursed with taking things at face value, but maybe leveraging that to your advantage with some visual signals will save you some of the annoying conversational gymnastics at the bar.
How, you ask? The possibilities are endless! Start posting Lady Gaga songs in the background of your IG stories, tilt your head in selfies, fill your apartment with so many plants that the o2 levels start feeling personally attacked. Put a pop socket on your phone. Carry a tote bag. Wear denim shorts with cowboy boots.
Give it a try, and like magic you’ll be spreading cheer and bibbidy-bobbidy-bottomness around the club like radiation poisoning.
Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc