Dear Zad: Straight boy infatuation, penis envy and contemplating an Onlyfans

Author: Josh Mayhew

Dear Zad is a comedy write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas.

Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is highly-experienced in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.

Submit your problems to Zad anonymously using the box below! 

M*x in Salt Lake City 

Hey Zad. I’m a bottom and I’m talking to this top but it’s getting a bit weird around the subject of penis size. He says he feels a bit emasculated because, direct quote “it doesn’t feel like I can dom properly if you’re bigger than me” implying that he can’t dom because I’m skinny with a bigger dick. I literally can’t change the size!! Help!

Hello, angel cake!

Him feeling unable to “dom properly” sounds like it has less to do with how he sees your dick and more with how he sees his own. While he may feel a sense of community pressure to be the big’n in order to be the dom in the scenario, an arguably even more dominant mindset would be completely owning what he is working with and knowing that it’s plenty ‘nuff to get the job done well. 


If dick size were a poker game, packin’ a couple extra inches of heat is obviously considered a royal flush in the world of gay sex. But that said, being a *confident* average is the next best hand that can always give a big’n a run for its money. 

*Cue ancestral Lion King music* In a gay’s time on this earth, one will encounter penises both larger and less large than their own. It ebbs and flows and is a foundational truth of our existence. And as it turns out, size genetics have zero connection to who’s laying the pipe and who’s getting they gutters cleaned. (Science is v mysterious, bbe.) 


That said, the only thing that seems to be stopping him from fully leaning into that dom fantasy is himself. And as for you, my lil big-dicked Betty: Remember that it ain’t on you to help your “Dom” Juan figure that out.


By focusing less on a ruler marking and more on letting chemistry and intuition do the heavy lifting for him in the sack, he may just find that he can focus more on turning you inside out the way you know that he can. 


Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc



Mar***s in Vancouver 

Dear Zad. 


I think I’m kinda in love with this straight guy I work with. He’s so hot and I get on so well with him and then the other day when he left our work drinks to meet a girl I became suddenly overcome with jealousy and sadness. He’s never given any indication at all that he likes guys so. Help!

Hey M,

Quit yer job! (JK. Don’t do that. Not in this economy. Unless you hate it.)


So I ain’t gonna rightly sit here and tell you that you’re delusional, that you need to move on, that it ain’t gon happen, that you’re barkin’ up the wrong tree, etc. I don’t know anything about the situation beyond that you got a burnin’ bussy, and far be it for me to extinguish this premium Sean Cody vibe for you. 


Let’s say that he doesn’t ever come to his senses and decides to actually remain straight, despite what a nightmarishly boring hellscape that would be. It’s for sure okay to be frustrated by that, but a small consideration to heed: be mindful of accidentally taking your frustration out on him.


I have known many-a-gay in my time who have managed unreciprocated feelings toward their straight counterparts by acting cold, short, distant, or worse – getting drunk and lashing out. Gettin’ fussy isn’t likely to make him magically get a bro-ner for you, but it could absolutely make the work place awkward and torpedo an otherwise decent dynamic that is currently making your experience with late-stage capitalism somewhat more bearable. 


Trust me: anything can happen, but in the meantime it is always a best practice to keep your cool and remain consistent. People like consistent. People trust consistent. And if he learns to trust you, he might just eventually want you to stick a finger up his butt in the Chili’s bathroom after a couple tequila shots.


Until then, try jerking off in the shower before work to get some of the horndog outta your system before you see him. Never underestimate the power of a little post-nut clarity to reset your Gay-DHD and have you pining after the next lucky bastard in no time. 


Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc


Anon in Pennsylvania


Dear Zad 

Thinking of starting an onlyfans. Good call or something I’ll regret later in life? I could use the money is all.

Greetings to you in the great state of Pennsylvania! On behalf of all of us who have blacked out and consumed an entire bag of Rolos in one sitting with zero effort, thank you for having a theme park dedicated solely to chocolate.


We live in an age where one can capitalize on themselves like never before, and I have known some folks to reap tremendously rewarding benefits from making fans accounts. They done made some serious cash, became more sexually liberated, and in some cases even funded business aspirations and education. It is probably the most modern rendering I’ve seen of the expression “if ya got it, flaunt it!”


You mention the potential for “regret,” so I would probably encourage you to ask yourself what sort of undesirable outcome might you regret from starting an Onlyfans? Is it generalized or are there specific factors that give you pause?


By determining these, you may discern whether these worries hold meaningful weight in your local reality, or if they are just empty anxieties that you have been conditioned to believe by a set of dying cultural ideals. This comes down to you and doing what ya feel is going to make you the happiest.


And by figuring that out, the answers – much like something from an Onlyfans video – may just hit you right in the face from all directions. 

Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc


For more from Zad (aka Josh), he’s on Instagram right here Submit your own dilemmas in the box below…

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