Dear Zad is a write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on insta at @joshmayhewnyc.
Dear Zad,
I love dressing like a slut but sometimes I wonder if I should calm it down a little bit. Thoughts?
Hello my little fashion icon,
Keep it slutty… hands down. Indisputably. Indubitably! I even think the term nowadays for it is “hoe life.” As we grapple with the point of existence and recede into ghosts of our former selves, you may find yourself thinking to a time in the future when you don’t even feel comfortable dressing like a slut. And therein lies the privilege of youth: that dressing like trade is still even a choice available to you.
How many more Halloweens can you pull off nothing but a band aid on each nipple and call it a George Washington costume? 7 more? 10? Whatever that number is – go slut-wild with each one of them. I am a firm believe that if ya feel good doing it now, then do your craggy older self a favour and rock that pair of overall shorts with no underwear and a little useless bandana around your neck. Take millions of photos; they will serve as a testament. You can “calm it down a little” years from now when you are deteriorating in your West Village Co-Op with your kitties and Judy Garland records. Point being: if you do it up now, you’ll be at peace with the understanding that you never wasted your moment in the sun.
And if you listen super closely – in the faint distance – you may even hear your future, dusty gay self begging the young, sweetie baby version of you to wear that nasty skank tank as *much* as humanly possible while you still can.
Love,
Your Zad
Dear Zad,
How do I deal with having feelings for a straight guy?
Hello my little romantic bb,
As someone who believes in being solution-oriented, I’m going to cut to the chase and tell you how to take action right away. The very clear path here is a simple 3 step experiment that involves sending him some nudes. How he responds will give you plenty of insight into what’s really happening in that little breeder brain of his.
So step 1: take a bomb-ass nude (But something tAsTEfuL – anything else might terrify someone who has committed to a life of missionary sex with girls who don’t know how to fix their eyebrows.)
Step 2: you send your bomb-ass nude, and it’s perfect: post-workout swole, golden hour, hot girl shit. Butthole so high up in the frame you’d need a step ladder to get into it.
Step 3: the observation begins. If he flips out, it is either because he likes it (and is scared that he likes it), or he is full homophobic. And if he’s homophobic, chances are he is probably gay anyway. Alternatively, if he responds to your newds with a simple “lol” and then moves on like normal, you don’t have a shot in hell. He’s absolutely straight. So straight that a dick in his inbox elicits nothing. To him, it’s just a stupid dick. And then at that point you can just invoke some Eat, Pray, Love type of peace in knowing that while he will always reject you, it will never be personal.
So to recap: freaking out = gay. Doesn’t give a shit = straight.
But be warned, if you discover that he is lowkey the future mayor of Fudge Pack City, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re gonna get it in. It may just end the friendship. So the choice you’re left with is to just stew in your feelings forever, or run Zad’s experiment and find out for yourself what is what. The rest is up to you, a bottle of tequila, and how ballsy you think you are.
Love,
Your Zad
What does it mean if he doesn’t flirt as much anymore or text back as fast?
Hello my little coquette,
You ready? Because I’m about to raw you with some truths around this age-old dilemma:
If the flirting has slowed, one of three things has happened:
1 – You always message him directly after he just blew his load, and now the thought of doing literally anything other than eating, sleeping, or binging Bridgerton is repulsive to him. Now he ain’t that same person.
2 – He started dating someone, and is taking a traditional approach in order to gain some moral high ground. Maybe to resemble the marriage that his parents had or that he wanted them to have in order to address a crippling, shame-based fear that he is unlovable. Who can even be sure why! But all this really means is that his 421 other tricks immediately get refiled under “I will now interact with you sexlessly as I would my 91 year old grandmother until I’m single again in 3 months.”
3 – He’s bored with you. This is, of course, no reflection on your hotness or your charm, but more so about your mystique. It’s gone, baby. Getting your nudes was his big challenge of the moment to validate his hotness, and if he has what he came for he is already hunting other prey. Or conversely, if he wanted nudes/sex and you didn’t oblige, then he likely got bored of your Laura Ingalls Wilder routine and found some other piece who will machine gun blast him with hole pics at his beck and call.
None of these scenarios are extremely fun, but the only person stupider than him here would be you for believing him when he says he’s “busy with work” or “dealing with some family stuff.” Because *all* breathing gays will easily and even inappropriately make time for a little flirtation if they are feeling it. At all costs, even. Trust and believe.
Love,
Your Zad
You can submit your own dilemma to Zad here and follow Zad himself on Instagram right here.