Dear Zad: Sexual confusion, sexual dry spells, defining ‘cheating’ and used underwear

Author: Josh Mayhew

Dear Zad answers all your LGBTQ+ dilemmas

NOTE: Zad is not qualified in anything. Just a sassy gay with a LOT of opinions.

G****d in Man*****r writes:

I haven’t had sex since last year and it’s driving me insane, rlly considering lowering my standards but IK Imma regret it. But fooken hell I’m just so sexually frustrated. What should I do?

Happy Pride month, butternut~ 🙂

Now while I will always support anyone who wants to go and get it wet to their heart’s content, it is also important to acknowledge that for some, hook-ups can leave people in their heads – especially if they are already prone to a lil anxiety or overthinking. 

And if you already know that gettin’ chicken sandwiched by someone who ain’t your type is just gonna mean days/weeks of anxiety or lower self esteem, then that don’t really sound like a hot girl summer at all to me. (I don’t even actually know for sure what that means, don’t quote me.)


A consideration: How can you use your frustration productively? Is it time to reassess what these existing standards are? Maybe there’s a lil software upgrade available – and your new iOS update might just include even more additional interests! (In addition to the standard bug fixes).


Being open to other types besides the ones we set for ourselves years ago when we were a lil more young and dumb can actually leave us surprised and delighted.

Otherwise, never underestimate the power of a solid wank when you are feelin’ like you might make a hookup mistake. You may still be generally horny for sex after, but in your PNC (post-nut clarity) you won’t be left feelin’ bad about yourself just because you were in heat like a little white dog with crusty shit in its eyes.


Because, let’s be honest, when we’re horny we would literally cross 12 lanes of speeding freeway traffic if there was an open bussy waitin’ on the other side.

Love, Your Zad (@JoshMayhewNYC

J***s in E*****e writes: 

Zad, I’m in a relationship and fully into my partner; however, lately I have been really into purchasing used underwear from porn accounts in the Twittersphere. Something about it just really gets me going; is this something I should tell my partner or just keep it to myself?

Hello in Evansville!

First off, big cheers for not only acknowledging your kinks but for embracing them as a part of your sexual spectrum. I love that kinks exist to turn us on and help us be in touch with our full range of sexuality, and I’m happy that you are in touch with what makes you tick.


Although I don’t know the agreed-upon parameters of your relationship, the logistical question I’d probably pose here is: What is the difference between sniffin’ some musky undies and watching someone sniff them in a porn vid? Erotic and penetrative are not mutually exclusive, and porn is an example of this. But instead of using your sight, you are simply using scent instead. Is this any different than porn? 


Maybe what it really comes down to is expectation and boundaries –  what do these mean for you and your manz? I would examine your current level of communication around topics like fantasy/kink/masturbation, and the answer prolly lies somewhere around there.

Do you currently share with each other what you jerk off to? Does layering in a more tactile form of porn feel like something that you need to communicate? If that feels harmless, then it could very well just become another part of your sexual self-care routine.


Remember: Just because something is exciting does not always mean it has to be forbidden. Aging puritanical values have taught us that, but everyone sets their own.

Approach it critically for a moment before approaching it viscerally. And in this case, relationships and sexuality are not a sprint, they’re a mara-thong. 😉

Love, Your Zad (@JoshMayhewNYC

L***e in B****** writes:

Dear Zad, I am questioning my sexuality (again). I came to terms with being gay a couple of years ago. I have never had any relationship. I am attracted to men for sex, but can’t seem to connect emotionally with them. I know it’s in my head only, but this inability to connect makes me feel detached from the gay community around me.

I am extremely pro-romance, don’t get me wrong (I love a good romantic series as anyone else, like Heartstopper or any Jennifer Aniston movie), but can’t seem to find those feelings when it comes to men. I can’t figure out if another label would apply and help me be more comfortable than just gay. Help please.

Hey baby!!

Feeling alienated or like you skipped a beat within your own community ain’t a good feelin’. (Especially during Pride month where conversations around belonging feel even more heightened!) 


The great news is that you seem right on the cusp of achieving your highest sense of your own identity, which could ultimately mean feeling like more a part of something than you do now for sure. Sum’n just ain’t right, but it very well could be soon. 🙂


That’s the beauty of the full acronym LGBTQIA+. It spans more stories, characters, twists, and turns than literally every Fast and the Furious movie combined. Although many will consider labels toxic, for some it may just be that having a broader understanding of all the labels within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum and feeling like you fit perfectly into one could actually finally provide a sense of peace and belonging. 


Remember that a persons romantic orientation and sexual orientation are two entirely different concepts. And Aromantic folk can still have a sexual orientation. 

Look up terms like, but not limited to: Aromantic (a lack of romantic attraction or a lack of interest in forming romantic relationships). Demiromantic (having romantic attraction only after forming an emotional bond with another person). Graysexual or grayromantic (someone who experiences very limited sexual or romantic attraction, or might experience sexual or romantic attraction rarely or at very low intensity.)


Remember that, whether it’s sexual or romantic orientation, options are available for you to self-identify as whatever the hell feels most ‘you’. So check out some resources

In a world where you can literally order food from a bottom-friendly menu there’s certainly no shortage of those.


Speaking of bottoming, the bottom line is this: there is absolutely nothing wrong with you OR what you respond to sexually/emotionally. Maybe you are just realizing that you transcend beyond how you had previously classified yourself or how those around you classified themselves (and YOU!) 

And though you may feel out of place now, ultimately knowing where you fit will hopefully allow you to move throughout whatever spaces you please with more ease and confidence of who you are and where you fit into the bigger picture.


There is no cuter thang than knowin’ who you are, and the right people will be obsessed with celebrating that with you.

Love, Your Zad (@JoshMayhewNYC

For more from Zad (aka Josh), he’s on Instagram right here Submit your own dilemmas in the box below…

Ask Zad (anonymously)


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here