Dear Zad is a comedy write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.
G**y from Salt Lake City writes:
Dear Zad,
I’m just gonna come out and say it: I have a Pokémon fetish. People are obviously into furries, or feet, or pain… but I’m fully aware that this is different. The animation, the characters, all of it turns me on and I love fantasy roleplay in the bedroom with Pokémon characters. Should I keep this shit to myself? It almost feels easier to just suppress it. Open to any solutions.
What’s good?
Boy, I don’t care if you got an Ash Ketchum jizzsock so overused that it’s as tough as a week-old pizza crust. YOU DO YOU. Fetishes shouldn’t just be okay if they are mainstream enough to appear as a curiosity storyline on network TV.
As long as fetishes aren’t fucking with anyone’s lives, then they should be embraced as a part of your uniqueness. Das it. And whether you go your whole life telling no one, or you decide to make an alt twitter of the big-dic*ed Digimon graphite drawings you do during work, it all ALL gravy, baby.
In fact, to be honest, there are probably legions of Poke-fetishists out there in the interwebs just waiting for you to join in the fun. Commonality is a beautiful thing, and there’s a big bright, world of lube-covered Pokémon cards just waiting to be traded for you, sweetie baby.
So when you find those Jiggly-bulba-what’s-it-fraggle urges comin’ in hot, feel free to grab that Ash Ketchum jizz sock and proclaim loud and proud: “Pokemon: I choose YOU!”
Love, your Zad
IG: @joshmayhewnyc
J in West Hollywood writes:
Dear Zad,
I feel like we live in this hyper-sexual gay culture where you’re only as good as how much sex you’re having. I have a pretty low sex drive and it makes me feel super inferior. Should I be up front about this when I start talking to someone new? Should I see a therapist? It doesn’t really feel like “the gay way.”
Hi J,
First of all, let’s go ahead and rip the goddamned bandage off: Sex is the bottom line. Especially in 2021. The DM song-and-dance, the Twitter pictures, the tepidly mind-numbing app conversations, the congregations in gay spaces… our community is historically predicated on the goal of swingin’ the dolphin. PERIOD. Incidentally, sex is also one of the things that makes us really fuckin’ awesome – our people are open, liberated, and adventurous.
That said, who gives a literal goddamn flying fu*k what all the other sweetie babies are doing? If you want to be a Grimm’s Fairytale-style shut-in with a doll collection, then delete the himbos off IG and move to the woods! Conversely, you wanna bang out every bussy within a ten mile radius and track your progress on an evidence board with red yarn? Go with God, mama.
And all the same, if you want to simply exist in the gay community with a low sex drive, gettin’ it in as you choose, how you choose, at the rate you choose… you are still just as worthy of being a homo as the next queen doing blow in the other stall. The only rules are your own!
And when it comes to prospective partners, it will feel right when it feels right and it will feel wrong the rest of the time. It’s called chemistry, and you don’t need to fu*k like a bull on amphetamines to have it.
But no matter what you decide to do: drink more water. It’s in everyone’s interest.
Love, your Zad
IG: @joshmayhewnyc
J**f in Manchester writes:
Dear Zad,
My boyfriend’s father has always been weirdly over-active in our relationship. There are even times during an argument when he will call his dad and hand the phone to me while his father tries to “dispense advice.” I love that his dad accepts him for who he is, but isn’t this a step too far?
Dear J**f,
There is a time to allow certain things and a time to tell his little sweetie Daddy that’s it’s a beautiful day to go fu*k himself. Everyone should be so lucky to have parents active in their lives of course, but that’s clown sh*t and needs to get shut down right away.
The next time your boyfriend gets you on the phone with his dad, just offer to date him! Suggest it! And when he gets all boomer and blustered over that, remind him that if he ain’t layin’ the pipes then he ain’t drinkin’ the water, PERIODT! BYE, DADDY!
Although your boy will be mad pissed at first, he will ultimately find himself turned on by you letting everyone in the situation know what’s what that I’m pretty sure you’ll get breakfast in bed the next morning. AND his old man will be so freaked out by your proposal that he will keep his head out of your love life for at least long enough for the lube to get washed out of the sheets.
Love, your Zad
IG: @joshmayhewnyc