Dear Zad: Grindr conflict, dirty talk, and lesbian love triangles

Author: Josh Mayhew

Dear Zad is a comedy write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is highly-experienced in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.

Submit your problems to Zad anonymously using the box below! 


Jonah in WeHo

Hey Zad. My high school bully keeps hitting me with a tap on Grindr. Should I hit that or no? Like does it make me pathetic? (He’s kinda cute, like a 7)



Zamn, Jonah!

Oof, am I loving this journey for you bbe. Some of us have only dreamed of living out the plotline of a jizz-crusted VHS tape from a video store back room but here you are – in your lane, hydrated, flourishing and thriving. An inspiration to us all.

As far as if hitting it would be pathetic, a better question might be – “how will I feel in my post-nut clarity?” What will the all-knowing crystal empty balls foretell?

Will a cute lil porny sesh with ole Brad from the Lacrosse team leave you feelin’ like a chump, or like a champ? Will you fixate on it afterward and feel like you’ve let the bully win again? OR, will you feel like you’ve come full circle and maybe you’re the one callin’ the shots now? Are you rehashing old traumas, or is it a chance to let the past go and even out the playing field? A sweetie baby can only answer that for themselves.

So maybe he stuffed you into a locker and burned your pubes off with a cigarette lighter and strung you up the flagpole with a wedgie pulled up over your head in front of the whole school. To be fair, most guys need all of that to get off these days anyway, so maybe you were just technically ahead of your time.

Either way, thinking two steps ahead in this situation may help you protect your wellbeing.

Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc


Nathan in Palm Springs

Hey Zad. So this guy I’m seeing, he likes dirty talk and so do I. It’s entered the arena of somewhat degrading (calling me a f*g, a wh*re etc) and I’m ngl I do enjoy it. But then afterwards I feel a bit dirty and unwholesome. What to do!



Dearest Nathan,

Inside each of us is two beings: a whore, and a whore in sheep’s clothing. (Side note… please make that the intro to my eulogy, even if you have to fight my family.)

Wanting to be respected in the streets but degraded in the sheets are NOT mutually exclusive.

You mention that it feels unwholesome afterward, but is that so bad? Isn’t it only bad if you assign a negative connotation to it? How about if it was possible to feel unwholesome in the sense that you’ve gotten kinky and sexy, but not attaching any higher value to to it? Maybe “unwholesomeness” isn’t a positive or a negative thing, but just a thing? (I know, Socrates is quivering in her grave right now.)

Celebrate how free and expressive you are letting yourself be. Because let’s be honest, how wholesome are you really tryna feelafter letting someone turn your guts into Campbell’s Cream of Chicken anyway? Yeah, that’s what I thought. 😉

Remember: you aren’t being degraded, you are permitting someone to degrade you because you enjoy it. And while it may feel a little unwholesome, it’s also BOSS energy. And as far as I’m concerned, that pretty much just makes you a bad bitch.

Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc


Jennie in Boston

Lesbian here! I’ve been seeing this girl for three months and it’s ok. But I’m finding myself really drawn to her boss from work (she works in a bar so we party a lot) and I think she likes me too.  What should I do?


Dear Miss Jennie,

Things I’ve had that have lasted longer than 3 months: A bad mood. Ingrown hairs. Zoom calls that could’ve been an email. Let’s be honest: 3 months is still WELL within the return policy on a gay relationship, and you should absolutely be able to drop her off at an Amazon shipping center and get a full refund.

But because Dear Zad is a fair and just realm, we’ll consider the different outcomes:

1 – you break things off now and see what the vibe is like with lil miss boss lady

2 – you wait, let things get even more complicated, and then you do it after 6 months? 12? 18!?

Which will cause a bigger headache? Which one will have both of y’all crying and throwing up to oldschool Tegan & Sara songs?

Now I’m no expert on the lebeezsian persuasion, but from what I understand the fact that you don’t already have a mortgage and a Cherry Grove timeshare together after 3 months has already made you a total trailblazer amongst your peers. There’s still time to make a rather painless choice!

Breakups always do be suckin’ some balls, but being honest will only do both of you a favor in the long run. If you want to pursue something else that feels like a better fit for you, you’re exploring your own needs while also giving the other person a shot at something better for them out there too. And if the gays know one thing, it’s that sharing is caring.

Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc


For more from Zad (aka Josh), he’s on Instagram right here Submit your own dilemmas in the box below…