Dear Zad: Fuqbois, Sexy Selfies and Homophobic Families

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Dear Zad is a write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on insta at @joshmayhewnyc.

 

Dear Zad,

How do I stop romanticizing fuck boys in my head and set realistic expectations?

I’m a firm believer that trying to make anyone do anything is both hilarious and useless. So when it comes to “expectations”: Why even fuq with them? (Did that sound natural? Is it actually “fux” or does it maintain the traditional spelling? Where have all the years gone?)

I heard something once that always stuck with me: if you just sit back and let people do whatever they want, you get to learn what they would have done anyway.

Fuckboys aren’t the problem here. There is absolutely nothing wrong with fuckboys. At all… that is, when you let them just be fuckboys. Much like a Laundromat, they are just out here happily dropping off and taking new loads daily until they eventually just go out of business.

And it sounds to me like when you catch some bomb dick, you’re literally tripping over your own to go set up a wedding registry at Williams Sonoma. Just because a dude can hit your G-spot like whack-a-mole doesn’t mean that they are also trying to have a My Fair Lady moment. Hence why the street tramp turned proper lady storyline stays within charming musicals – because making that “your project” never ends well in real life.

Fuck boys operate on a fuckboy frequency. Boyfriends operate on a boyfriend frequency. So remember: He’s not Dr. Jill Biden, he’s a speed addict who gets pink eye twice a month. Live and let live, mi amour.

Go get you some, but the next time you want to have “expectations” of a dude, at least start with someone looking to do the same.

Love,

Your Zad

 

 

Dear Zad. Should I start sending nut vids to guys who ask?

Nut vids, from a purely anthropological standpoint, are the future. Studies conducted by leading sociology programs have indicated that owning and knowing how to distribute one good nut vid can increase your power dynamic by a staggering 52%.

Consider the facts: a nut vid is all-encompassing. A dick pic, gooch pic, JO vid, and a legitimate piece of cinema all fused into one. Taken from the proper angle, it can provide an accurate depiction of physique for those approaching the video in an analytical sense. Also, for the storyline kweens – it satisfies our need for the beginning, middle, and ending formula implanted in our brands from Disney and Pixar themselves. Did you realize as a 4-year-old watching The Little Mermaid that it would be laying very valuable groundwork for you to send a dead-eyed nut vid to a Hunter College student who lives in Flushing with 6 roommates? Probably not. The future is full of secrets.

So in this nihilistic media age where truly nothing is sacred, I hear rumours that The Pope himself even has a nut vid on the horizon. Own it! Be the moment! The key is recognizing the power of this mystical vid, its market value, and being unafraid to set your own personal rules on its distribution.

Love,

Your Dad

 

Dear Zad,

 

My fam posts super homophobic shit on social. Should I respond or let it slide?

If it were me, I would just delete them from social media!

Consider the options in your question – responding or letting it slide. Weight the outcomes! Responding forthright could be explosive and create more conflict, mostly since homophobes aren’t historically very interested in becoming better people. And letting it slide would be way complicit, signalling that you are totally okay with letting your family shit on a big part of your identity because hey, you have similar DNA strands, why not?

Although this is your choice to make, the option of temporarily deleting them could likely send a message: that they have to make a choice. Either they quit shit-posting, or they lose social media access to you as a form of self-protection.

Say you delete your dear ole mom from Facebook and she comes to you all like “Wtf! Why did you delete me, you little fudge packer!?” Then you tell mom, “Well, because you’re the worst on Facebook toward The Gays and I’m literally a shit-stabbing ass bandit so, bieeee.” And bam! Ma is faced up front with the repercussions of being ignorant: limited access to you.

So then there’s this sort of reckoning that has to happen, right? Either the family quits posting homophobic shit online and you re-add them because you’re a forgiving and gracious little sweetie baby, -or- they say “lol fuck off” and then it becomes pretty clear that being an asshole online is more important to them than your feelings. Which might force some bigger questions which I am definitely unqualified to answer since I literally can’t keep a plant alive in my apartment.

But in the meantime, remember that while in a digital age the “delete” button means something, but it can always be reversed.

Love,

Your Zad

 

Zad (AKA Josh) and his rather delicious arms is also available on Instagram if you’d like yo see more! 

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