Dear Zad: douching tips, wearing makeup, and fi$ting

Author: Josh Mayhew

Dear Zad is a comedy write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is highly-experienced in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.

Submit your problems to Zad anonymously using the box below! 


G**g in Sydney 

Yo Zad. I keep seeing memes about douching. I’m a bottom, I’ve never douched before, though. I just sort of manually give it a good clean. Never had any complaints or accidents but maybe they’re just not saying? Should I be douching?

Hey G**g,

I’ll ask this as tactfully and gingerly as I can: ARE YOU SH*TTING ON HIM OR NAH? If the answer is no, then you may just be in the clear (pun absolutely intended.)


Look, if you’ve consistently been getting a residue-free railing, then it very much is what it is and maybe you’re just a little more on the lower maintenance side when it comes to your bottom hood. Let’s be honest: boys aren’t out here douching because they *want* to spend hours on the toilet looking at my Insta story for memes and squeezing a raggedy, used-up Dasani bottle up their asshole. They do it so they don’t projectile shite their Sweetgreen Harvest Bowl all over the guy they’ve been crushing on for 6 six months.


Ultimately though, douching is just as much about being confident and comfortable during sex as it is strategically averting a literal shit-show. We all know that having a fully present partner in the sack is what can take an experience to the next level, and it’s pretty difficult to be fully present if you’re nervous about what’s goin’ on back there. 


If your anxiety about cleanliness and potential mishaps is taking you out of the moment, then douching may be an insurance policy for your peace of mind. But if you’re flyin’ through clear skies with zero prep, then God bless and enjoy being the little unicorn that you are. 


Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc


J**E in OC. 

So I’m really insecure about a couple of scars on my face and my skin has always been awful anyway. As a result I wear makeup for nights out etc because it hides them. I just started seeing a guy who (obviously not noticing, or maybe he did) basically said “guys who wear make up are an instant turn off for me. That’s a big no”. The thing is that I like him in all other aspects. Now I’m nervous about covering up too obviously that I’ll turn him off. What should I do? 


Ello gorgeous…

Oof… I have always believed that problematic skin is one of the most underrated but lasting traumas someone can experience. I struggled with problem skin for literal decades until I finally met the right dermatologist; something I have gratitude for every gaht-damn day.


Obviously healthy relationships shouldn’t expect you to change for anyone ever, but especially not when it comes to how you feel most comfortable managing an insecurity like this. Even if  you plan on hiding your concealer pen from him forever, he is going to eventually find MAC pro-finish smeared like a Pollack across his West Elm pillow cases and the jig will be up, sweety baby. So what then?


Now I am sure he is a perfectly nice dude (he must be if you chose him!) BUT, if he ain’t gonna get a boner for you because you have a little touch-up on – in 2022 – then this may be a moment to observe if this person is going to be the right fit for you. I ain’t gonna just throw around the term “toxic masculinity” here, BUT the question is: should covering up an acne scar really be a deal breaker in an age where everyone is already struggling to find a good guy?


That said, I would find a natural time to engage him in a discussion about it. The next time he makes a comment about a guy wearing makeup may just be an opportunity to create a sense of normalization. Tell him that you yourself even dab a little on to enhance your confidence about some scarring, and that wanting to put your best face forward is a genderless attribute. If he isn’t going to accept this, then he probably isn’t going to accept you. (And there are plennnnty of other guys who would and will.) 


BUT in the spirit of being optimistic, you very well may be the one to show him that male attractiveness and makeup wearing are in no way mutually exclusive. Best of luck. Ya look great! 😉


Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc


Jeff in Portsmouth 

Hey Zad. My boyfriend forgot to delete his browser history and I noticed some pretty hardcore adult viewing – fisting, BDSM etc – on there. That’s not at ALL what we’re like in the bedroom so now I’m confused. Is that what he wants to be doing and how do I bring it up? 


What’s good, Jeff!

I’ve been brought this exact concern by several other sweetie babies since the start of this column, and one thing to keep in mind is that sexual fantasy and reality are totally allowed to be hard opposites. There ain’t no rules in these here parts, remember? 


There are a number of reasons why your boyfriend ain’t said a word to you about this other subset of sexual curiosities: maybe he needs a partial escape from normal reality and a little bit of fantasy is his safest and cheapest bet. Maybe he’s honestly not even that comfortable with his own interest in these things. Unless you ask, you will never know for sure, period. 


But if he really wanted to expand his bedroom repertoire with you or for you to know about these kinks, then it’s 100% his job to communicate that. And if he doesn’t, then it probably ain’t all that important to him. 


Also, try and find some comfort in the fact that him finding certain things erotic doesn’t mean that he finds sex with you LESS hot simply because you haven’t begged for him to turn you into a Jim Henson puppet with his fist.

Put yourself in his shoes. What kinks of yours does he have no idea about? You may just find that you have some too, and that your curiosity about something a little forbidden is a completely separate entity from being otherwise happy as a lil clam with him in the bedroom.


Point is: before you jump to any conclusions, consider that maybe he doesn’t really want to act on these fantasy scenarios at all. Because that’s the whole thing about fantasies: their appeal is almost completely hinged on impossibility. Once you achieve it, it isn’t a fantasy anymore. It’s just another thing you’ve done. 


Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc


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