Dear Zad: defining my dom/ sub side, non-binary problems, and lesbian relationships

Author: Josh Mayhew


Dear Zad is a comedy write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.

Submit your problems to Zad anonymously using the box below! 


J**m in Reading 

Dear Zad. Is it possible to be a dom bottom? I feel like I’m a dom bottom. 

Mornin, baby!

Waaaait wait wait. HOL up.

What do you mean is it possible? Okay, let me see if I can put this into bottom language for you so it makes more sense: Lady Gaga once said “There could be 99 people in a room, but it just takes one…” (I literally do not remember the rest BUT), the point is that if you say that you identify as a dom bottom then gosh dangit if it ain’t more “possible” than a mono outbreak at a state school.

I won’t completely bash categorical labels since they can totally streamline the process when you are tryna get it in with another sweetie baby, BUT.. that said… anyone who tells you that a category “does not exist” should probably go pick up their pantaloons from the dry cleaners since they are clearly still living in 1776. 

Be confident as hell when you tell someone you are a dom bottom. If it scares them, then you aren’t a match and their intimidation will make them a total clown in the sack. But trust me when I tell you that simply being confident in your dom bottomhood will bring your personal body count higher than the battle sequences in Full Metal Jacket.

In fact, I bet it already has. 😉 


Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc



Ca*a in Wilmington. 

Yo Zad. I came out as non- binary this year. I don’t want to make a thing around my friends of them still sometimes calling me she/her (my pronouns are they/ them) because I get it’s like that habit or a lifetime. BUT, sometimes it’s like nothing has changed when they just do it without correcting themselves. And something huge has changed – for me anyway. We’ve had ‘the chat’ but idk it just feels like… do I need new friends?

‘Ello love!

So although I wouldn’t be able to speak for someone who is non-binary, a question I might throw at you for each individual friend: “Does this person display *continued* disregard, or do they seem to be actively working toward correcting their behaviour?”

If they seem continually tone-deaf, then it may be demonstrating that they do not care enough about your identity in order to reflect it in their everyday actions. “It’s giving carelessness” as the kids might say. Now, if they seem to authentically feel bad when they slip up, then maybe you need to decide if you can continue being patient or if it is flat out not a healthy space for you to be in. There is no right answer to that, except for the one that you decide. 

If it were me, I would probably hit a reset button and set some personal ground rules going forward for all of those closest to me. Observe how it goes, put yourself first, and stick to your guns.

But I think the bottom line remains: if someone does not stop misgendering you with their words, then they probably haven’t stopped misgendering you in their mind. And is that the behaviour of a true friend? 

Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc


L*** in Parma 

Hey Zad. 

I’m a lesbian and I’ve been with my gf for almost a year now. She still publicly identifies as straight ‘with tendencies’ and it annoys the fu*k out of me. She’s fem and straight passing so I don’t want to extinguish any of her identity. But it’s been a year of her eating my pu$$y every night. It’s not ‘a bit’ of anything, y’know? 

Well hello, ma’am!

First off, welcome to the sweetie baby party – love to see gay gals joinin’ the mix to break up all this delicious and deplorable locker room talk!

You mention that your gf is fem and straight-passing, and therefore you wouldn’t want to extinguish any of her identity. But does this imply that her being in bed every night with an Olympic pu$$y eater such as yourself would serve to threaten her identity? Or would it be perhaps more of a *constitutional amendment* to it? Maybe she doesn’t yet know that being a lesbian is not mutually exclusive from being fem and straight passing, and that she can still have her egg mcmuff and eat it too!

Gay guys deal with this all the time in the way that even our own community can make us feel the need to cling onto every tiny shred of masculinity in order to feel worthy and attractive, but ultimately the onus falls on us to do the soul-searching associated with forming into our tRuEst SeLVes.

The truth is that she doesn’t need to define her sexuality in any particular way other than what feels authentic to her. But your relationship, however, may need some stronger definition. She can be ‘a bit’ of a lesbian if that’s how she feels, but that does not mean you’re only in ‘a bit’ of a relationship. And you need to make that clear to each other. You are still well within your rights to communicate if it is leaving you feeling somehow insecure in the relationship. And who knows! – After a whole year of being together, you may just find that explaining how you feel may just be the push your relationship needs to be stronger than ever. 

Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc


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