Dear Zad is a comedy write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.
Submit your problems to Zad anonymously using the box below!
J***e from Montgomery writes:
Dear Zad,
I need help! So I’ve been in a relationship for 3.5 years and we bought a house together 18 months ago. Since moving here, our sex life has dropped off the face of the earth even though I’ve tried so much to keep it going. When we met, he said he was vers but I’ve only been able to tap that butt 3 times. He’s also told me he won’t marry me – something I’ve always wanted. How would you go about this? Do I leave and if so, how? Thanks for all your help and advice in advance! J
Dear Jake,
Even though you can dead-ass find me in my apartment wrapped in a XXXL smock with Buffalo Sauce on it, I am a huge advocate for general nudity in the home. Program your hubs to think of the new digs as sexy, not stodgy! How?
Jockstraps.
Never, EVER underestimate the power of underwear that casually screams “I am an absolute gutter-slut! Use me up! :-).” Go online, find a couple of hot jockstraps, and make them your new maid outfit. Whether you’re washing dishes, vacuuming, making dinner, or plunging the goddamn toilet, create a visual link of domesticity to sex appeal. You may just find that he will be doing some cleaning and cooking of his own in no time – and by cooking I mean ridin’ that baloney pony on top of that Black & Decker kitchen cart I know you have.
As far as him refusing to ring it or ride it, consider that magic word that doesn’t usually compute with The Gays: priorities!! Can you be genuinely happy playing house without a marriage certificate, or is a legal binding important to you? Is default bottomhood okay with you if he won’t ever compromise? Ask yourself the questions and set your boundaries. The solutions may become clear once the perimeter is more clearly defined.
Now go getcha some whore undies and go be the Betty Crocker whore you were born to be!
Love,
Your Zad @joshmayhewnyc
N***k in Huntington Beach writes:
Dear Zad,
For the past year or so I’ve been having problems getting hard due to some medication I am on. When is the right time to tell potential hook-ups that I may not even get a boner with them? I’m a pretty strict bottom, but it still leads to awkwardness and can be a serious mood killer. When should I mention my problem to these potential hook-ups?
Hey Nick,
Whenever you fu*kin’ PLEASE, that’s when! Until your dick is literally on someone’s bed with a little top hat and cane singing Yankee Doodle Dandy then it ain’t anyone’s gaht-dam business what it’s doing.
And secondly, it isn’t a pRoBLeM… it is a current circumstance that you are managing. Unfortunately, we all know that gays can scrutinize nearly everything, so I can see why the “he can’t get it up” thing could make you feel like you aren’t worth the cab ride home.
But as with all things, being up front and funny tends to get us out of the sticky situations we don’t want, and put us sticky situations we love. As soon as you get the feeling that “something is gonna happen” with a dude, have a disclosure sentence ready that may diffuse any later awkwardness. For example: “Oh by the way, I take something daily that sometimes keeps me from getting fully hard, but honestly I find you so fu*king hot that I don’t care if you don’t care.”
If they weed you out at that point, then the chemistry alone was never authentic and you probably dodged a bullet. Be proud of yourself for trying despite your current circumstance. Boys are horny, so trust and believe that there are plenty who are *more* than happy to roll around in the sheets with you if they aren’t a total shallow prick.
Love,
Your Zad @joshmayhewnyc
D**d in Sydney writes:
Dear Zad,
I’m hooked watching Elite but also watching teenagers get more dick than me, which is way depressing. How do I stop feeling like a washed up, sexless loser?
Hello Mr. David!
First off, you being a washed up and sexless loser has honestly so little to do with a Netflix original series. Just kidding, baby. You’re a star. 😉
Okay first off let’s get one thing straight – they aren’t teenagers. They are highly manufactured, scrubbed, worked out, rich, lasered, waxed, TWENTY-SOMETHING SWEETY BABIES with teams of people getting their pussies together for 4 hours in a makeup chair every day and feeding them a cup of pistachios for lunch every day and forcing them to use a bowflex on the soundstage between takes. If you wanna compare yourself to that, be my goddamn guest, baby.
Or you can just remember that you wake up every day and are doing your literal best… and that right there is the BDE that will open up every bussy in town for you.
Happy hunting.
Love,
Your Zad @joshmayhewnyc
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