Dear Zad is a comedy write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.
Submit your problems to Zad anonymously using the box below!
Anon in Michigan
Over lockdown my taste in porn got kinda freaky and I love Dom/ sub, dressing up and bdsm. This isn’t what I get up to in real life at all but with porn now it’s the only thing that gets me off. Is that weird?
What’s good, Michigan!
First off, congrats on exploring your “freaky” side a lil bit. It’s a beautiful thang when someone can define their own version of what is sexually attractive, rather than letting 56-year-old Midwestern women named Shelly who has a cross-stitch of the word “gather” in their dining rooms do it for them.
And as far not bringing your newfound fantasies into the bedroom being “weird” – says who?? Did some corny-ass tool bag write a rule book on all of this that I somehow missed?
I’ve noticed that many gays seem to struggle a bit with differentiating between fantasy and reality, in a collective belief that fantasies need to play out in reality to be valid (certain kinds of sex, body goals, social media portrayals.) But who says you can’t have a separation of slut and state? Your sexual identity can easily have two separate facets, and the choice to blend them is absolutely your prerogative. When it comes to physical intimacy, some guys may only get off if a dude in a leather dog mask put their nuts in a high speed Ninja blender and pummels them in the face with a boxing glove. Totally fine. And as for you? If watching is a turn-on but re-enacting isn’t your thing, then there ain’t no weird about it.
My advice: Do what makes you happy, make your business your business, do the damned thing, and remember to wash between your toes and your ass crack.
Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc
Anon in Montreal
My top boyfriend LOVES telling people he’s a top when we’re in social situations. I’m not ashamed of being a bottom but also I don’t feel the need for friends, sometimes co-workers, to know that when we go home he’s putting it in me. Also is it weird that he’s proud of it like he thinks he sometimes out-mans me??
Hello in Barnsley!
I completely can see your frustration here: just because you’re a proud bottom doesn’t mean that MacKenzie who works in the next cubicle over needs to know that you love having your guts turned into butternut squash. They say it’s all about knowing your audience, and it definitely sounds like your himbo bebe has been a little tone-deaf.
Now, as for bae – we’ll call her total-top-Tony – whatever is compelling him to assert his masculinity or dominance over you, there could be some layers there that ain’t you or I even near-qualified to dig up. BUT… chances are that it has pretty much everything to do with him and nothing to do with you, and so you can probably only control how you respond to it. So accepting those moments as they happen without assigning a feeling or emotion to them could help alleviate some stress.
As far as it coming up during work time happy hour, you may want to ice total-top-Tony out for a hot minute. Quit inviting him around your work friends! If he doesn’t bring it up, then great. If he does, then *he* has initiated a way for you to gently tell him that you’d prefer if he didn’t talk about how you’ve had more babies inside of you than a Catholic day-care center in front of poor little MacKenzie.
Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc
Anon in Melbourne
Dear Zad. Every time me and my boyfriend get really wasted lately we end up peeing on each other. Idk why we keep doing it. Anyway it’s become such a thing now that if I know we’re having a big night I’m like better lay some towels down for when we get back. Is this weird?
Hello bbe from Down Under! Or should I say in this case, on Golden Pond? Interestingly enough, one of the darlings in a previous letter brought up the word “weird” when it came to sexual tastes and I have to reiterate:
Weird. Is not. A thing. Weird means different or odd – ok, sure. But different or odd from what? What is the standard, where is it written, and what soft, suspender-wearing data entry worker from 1942 defined it? This is 2021, and I think we’ve all learned that “normal” ain’t a thing in any gay, shape, or form.
The bottom line: Your little sweetie baby pathway in defining your sexuality has been completely YOURS. You’ve been shaped by certain things and collected along the way the little bread crumbs (sugar-free since y’all be wearin’ thongs and shit down in Australia) that make your tastes YOURS. No two people are alike in that way. And I mean, tbh, that feels much more normal to me.
Look, does everyone in the world go home, check the mail, and then proceed to piss all over each other? No. Maybe not. I know that many people do. But the fact that you and your partner have been able to break the routine and develop something funny, sexy and random and just go with it is probably more than most couples can say.
Enjoy the expression, enjoy the nuance, and above all – remember to drink plenty of fluids! 😉
Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc