Spontaneous sex can be hot. But so can anticipated or planned sex! Hot sex isn’t the hit and run of spontaneity. Hot sex requires effort.
Sometimes scheduling sex happens on a calendar. Other times it can unfold through prompts and reminders. These prompts and reminders can be sexy/hot/dirty talk throughout the day. This communication serves multiple purposes. It says, “I’m thinking about you, desire you, and want to be naked with you.” That is hot!
Anticipation builds desire – plain and simple. It’s that building – followed by resolution that can be oh so satisfying. This is why it can feel so hot at the beginning of a relationship – bc you are literally scheduling dates – that often lead to sex. Don’t be too quick to discount the power of scheduled and/or anticipated sex. I think it can actually be hotter than spontaneous sex – simply because I get to spend more time thinking about it.
Desire and arousal are delicate experiences – they can be negatively impacted by a variety of experiences – room temp, children, work, prep-work for bttms, fullness from dinner. This doesn’t even begin to account for the relational dynamics that may create disconnection. Basically, life gets in the way of sex and desire.
If you’re in a long-term relationship it’s easy to become sexually complacent and stagnant. Creating sex that’s anticipated/scheduled can be a helpful tool to create desire.
Bottom line – if you place expectations on sex as unfolding in only one context than you will be limiting your sexual expression. The more you’re able to expand the different routes to sexual engagement with a partner the better.
So here is a goal for you and your partner. At least 1x/month schedule sex. This could be a calendar invite but it can also be a morning conversation about a rendezvous in the afternoon. Get creative and put intentional effort.