D’Bunked: When you find yourself asking… Where is he/ she/ they??

It will happen when you least expect it. 

This has never helped anyone who is dating. This is like saying, “Calm down.” Sure, it often feels unexpected but only because most people are dating whilst feeling terminally hopeless.

I hatttttttte this phrases/aphorism. This is often used in an attempt to give comfort (it’s so not comforting), it’s the “calm down” response to emotional concerns re dating/relationships. This is majorly dismissive. It also communicates implicit judgment about the effort required to meet someone. It says, you’re trying too hard/wrong – and if you try less you will get into a relationship. False – false – false!

First, it takes a lot of effort to date, meet someone, form a connection, and build a relationship. Don’t stop putting in that effort and don’t invest in the belief that if you try less it will happen. I guarantee you, the less work you put in the less likely you are to build intimacy. Period.

Second, relationship building is an experience overflowing with meaning. Telling someone that it will happen when you least expect has never helped someone who is dating and looking for love. It’s dismissive and shuts down the conversation – it quite literally it slams the door. 

I agree – it often feels unexpected but not because of strategy but because the transition from being alone, to having a crush, and falling in love are such wildly different places – that it is a literal shock. Many people are dating whilst feeling terminally hopeless, exasperated, and definitionally alone. So when reality changes – it’s unexpected! 

Erase this phrase from your vocabulary. Instead, show empathy when thinking/discussing dating experiences! Yah those nice things – compassion, empathy, and curiosity! Say something like, “Good for you for putting yourself out there. Dating can be so difficult. What has your experience been like so far?” Allow for a conversation and the development of meaning around dating experiences.