The “What’s your type?” question is so central in dating and it almost always refers to physical aesthetic. While physical aesthetics can play a major role in whether or not you will pursue a partner at the beginning of a relationship – it actually has little to do with long term satisfaction.
The contours of your partner’s face or abs aren’t going to help you work through conflict or tuck you in at night. They won’t kiss and cuddle you. And they most certainly aren’t going to be your companion that makes you giggle by the way they call you silly names.
The contours of your partner’s face or abs aren’t going to help you work through conflict or tuck you in at night. They won’t kiss and cuddle you. And they most certainly aren’t going to be your companion that makes you giggle by the way they call you silly names.
Culturally we are hypnotized by beauty and many spend more time pursuing others based on what they look like than their actual ability to show up for them relationally. Focus on personality, capacity, and emotionality not physicality.
Instead, pursue people who are available, actively looking for connection, emotionally aware (basic emotional awareness will do), can be curious about who you are (ask questions etc), flexibility and agreeableness (you don’t want someone who is oppositional to literally you), and some kind of depth/range to their self-expression.
These are the characteristics that create long-term relationship satisfaction.
These are the characteristics that create long-term relationship satisfaction.
– Liking your partner!!! (DUH – but like really liking and valuing them for who they are not what they look like)
– Spending time together. If your partner is working 24/7 or never around it’s likely that your relationship is unsatisfying. Similarly if you’re trying to date someone and you can only see them 1x/mo it may take a while or not be possible to develop a connection so timing is vvvvv important.
– Have some kind of shared interest (anything from tv or food to animals doesn’t have to be everything but something to have fun together and be silly)
– Sex – have enjoyable sex – sex is like adult play – if you can’t have fun sexually (and you’re a sexual person) there will be a bit of a disconnect and that will slowly create distance.
– Basic communication skills or ability to repair in the face of a lack of communication skills (yes communication isn’t everything. if you can’t communicate but you’re great at repair and reconnecting that’s just as good).
D’Bunked is written by Todd Baratz, follow him for more!
