D’Bunked: How to be good at sex


Todd Baratz is a licensed personal and couples psychotherapist, podcast host, and writer who specializes in relationships and sex.

D’bunked strips down the myths surrounding gay sex, intimacy, relationships and love and is brought to you by The GLUE.

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How to be Good at sex

Being good at sex and having good sex isn’t a hit and run accident. It’s also not something people are just born being able to do. I do believe that some people are just sexual naturals – meaning they’re just really good at sex. That is RARE RARE RARE. So sure, wish that you were just bursting with sexual talent but accept the fact that if you want to be good at sex you will have to work at it. 


No you don’t have to be a sword swallower, squirt, or shoot buckets of cum. You also don’t need a specific technique. You do need to be responsive, uninhibited, sex positive, enthusiastic, selfish, present, relaxed, communicable, and then have A LOT OF PRACTICE. 



All of this requires safety and comfortability with a partner. This is when it gets tricky. Especially if you’re not in a relationship or don’t have a regular FWB. This is the practice part. But even if you don’t have a partner you can definitely practice with yourself. I do not believe you can be good at sex if you don’t feel comfortable or enjoy sex with yourself. So make sure that you are masturbating regularly. 




Intuitive Responsiveness: An attunement to the varied changes in our partners responses to touch, movement, rhythm, and more.  Picking up on these cues also relates to our own embodied experience and the ability to become aroused by observing these changes in our partner and therefore create a mutually pleasurable dynamic. 


Be Uninhibited: A lack of inhibitions allows for an expansive and free sexual expression. It’s only in the absence of shame and anxiety that we can pursue the erotic without restraint. This is confidence and sexual self-empowerment.


Sex Positivity: Being sex positive requires an entire relearning of basically everything you’ve ever thought you know. This means recognizing that we’ve all been sexually repressed, are fearful of sex. Subsequently we must work through shame in all varieties, honouring the expression of all types of sexuality – even those on the fringe.  Keep in mind being sex positive doesn’t mean that you have to be kinky or slutty. It is about respect, empathy, and understanding of sexuality without fear. This is sexual integrity. 


Enthusiasm: This isn’t about desire, this is about an excitement in the connection to sexuality in a way that creates genuine interest. This is an absence of flatness, ambivalence, or uncertainty. This requires a solid connection to knowing what we want, how we want it, and an eagerness to explore the same in our partner. 


Be Selfish: If we don’t prioritize our pleasure we’re simply not present in our bodies. This isn’t selfishness at the expense of the other. This is a type of selfishness that prioritizes our own pleasure and self-definition in order to fully show up and sexually collaborate with a partner. Keep in mind prioritizing our own pleasure also involves giving pleasure. 


Sensory Presence: Distractibility, a lack of concentration, and attention obstructs pleasure and arousal. We must be present in our bodies and ready to fully react to sexual stimulation.


Relaxed: We simply can’t have sex if we’re not relaxed nor will we obtain an orgasm if we can’t let go, ease into, and be enveloped by pleasure. High anxiety and stress will restrict the depth of pleasure and arousal. We must have a mindful connectedness to not only the permission to pursue our pleasure but the ability to let go of the tension that precludes it.


Communication: The ability to comfortably articulate our needs in service of being turned on and respond to our partner’s is a must. If you’re not able to verbally request and respond to requests our sexual expressions and actions are based on assumption. This creates distance and disconnection – a major turn off. 


Practice: It’s rare that someone is a sexual natural – good at sex without any practice. Like any creative endeavor we need to have the opportunity to fine tune our craft. The more sex we have the better we become at giving and receiving pleasure. This is a challenge for single folks who often don’t have the opportunity to develop safety with a regular sexual partner. Either way we must have consistent and ongoing sexual experiences in order to develop a connectedness these factors
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