Author: Mark Bittlestone
Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
We come to it at last.
I’ve resisted it for about 25 blogs’ worth of gay drivel but I cannot ignore it any longer. It’s FINALLY the one you’ve all been (and I use “all” very loosely – incidentally, “loosely” will be a key word) waiting for. Full disclosure, I’m a comedian and not a sexpert, although…I am kinda good at it (sex, not comedy, I’m rubbish at that). Even fuller disclosure so that you don’t send me “omg you’re a top” messages, I put the vers in conVERSe all stars so guess what next week’s blog will be .
Here are my 5 straight-up gay ways (my ‘top tips’, if you will) to be a top!
1) Lube, lube and more lube.
I have so much lube in my bedside unit people genuinely think I run a brothel. It’s actually because my dog always bites off the lid of my lube bottles rendering them indispensable (by which I mean, “unable to dispense”; they are also indispensable as in “very important” – that’s my point). I then have to take the pump-action lid off and pour lube directly into my hands. It’s a notoriously difficult substance to contain in the highly porous container that is the human hands, so my bed ends up becoming a slip n’ slide. However, as expressed above, that is no bad thing. Remember, the anus has no natural self-lubing function (lol, remember! As if any of you forgot) so you’re gonna want to use loads of the stuff.
2) Fingers first.
Disclaimer, obviously not all guys enjoy being fingered. And if you have long nails or just weird fingers (??) then don’t. But I would say as a general rule that warming up the booty with a quick slip of the index before you go the whole hog (“hole hog” that’s me hehehe) is probably a good idea. Think about it this way, you’d stretch before you went for a jog, wouldn’t you? You’d get your servant to try your food before eating it yourself, right? You’d send a mouse to cross a rickety bridge before you sent a full human, yeah? So, get yer fingers involved before your johnboy! (that’s 1920s English for penis)
3) Go slow.
Can’t believe I’m writing this but, as someone who also bottoms, it’s astonishing how many guys think that once they’re in they can just go from 0-60 at the speed of light. Take your time, bro! Remember at the start of the pandemic when we were encouraged to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ twice while washing our hands. Follow the same logic and sing that twice before really going for it. Probably not out loud though? Could be weird.
Again, as someone who bottoms, I can confirm that it’s quite boring when the top just pounds away relentlessly in the same position. It’s also nice to be thrown around a bit, you get me? So mix it up! Obviously you’ve got your standard missionary, doggy-style, on the side etc (I had to Google “names of gay sex positions” for this), but be experimental! Sex on the sofa, or over your desk, or in the shower or on the floor is hilariously good and makes you feel sexy and cool even if it’s essentially #basic.
If you want to understand your business inside out, spend some time on the factory floor! I believe – though admittedly have absolutely zero knowledge or experience – that this is sound advice in “the business world”. And as we all know, sound advice in the business world almost always applies neatly to anal sex (e.g. “stay open for longer”, “analyse your competitors” and “obsess over customer needs”). So, yeah, don’t be an “I only top because I’m so masc” kinda bro, get out there and bottom xox.