5 Straight Up Gay Ways to… not fu*k up a first date

Author: Mark Bittlestone

Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.

He’s on social media too! Follow Mark on Instagram here!


Ok so apparently “straight people” (quote marks ‘cos I don’t think they exist) go on dates, but I don’t give a f**t (fart – I’m not rude) about that because this here is a GAY BLOG ABOUT GAY THINGS.

So, let’s assume, for the sake of this blog, that you’re not like me – currently lying face down on your couch (somehow also still watching Netflix and eating ice cream and masturbating) – and you have met/matched with/been set up with someone nice. Someone you want to impress, and you don’t want to f**k (fuck; I know how to party) it up…

Here are my top five tips for not fu*king up the first date! 


1) Go somewhere nice.

Wow is that the Shard? This must be an expensive date!?

I mean actually nice though. Like, expensive, with a rooftop view. Get over it, money is a proxy for value in our culture and if you arrange something (quite) expensive then they will think you value them. That being said, this can massively backfire if you end up having to spend loads of money on someone you then don’t get on with. And actually, also, my best first date came 30 mins after I had been so hungover I sh*t myself while vomiting, so I can’t really speak from personal experience here…


2) Do something kooky.

House Plants are kooky….meet me by the house plant?

Honestly, option 1 can be offputting if it’s really clear that you or your date are trying to impress or show off the fact that you’re wealthy. I once went on a really good date that was just walking up Primrose Hill, which has a lovely view over London, then going to a pub. It was going really well but then he genuinely said “I don’t want to be disingenuous but PS I take all of my first dates here”…. Pro tip: be disingenuous x


3) Drinks vs Dinner.

Best to wine, not to dine

This is a debate as old as time but IMO dinner is too intense for a first date. It’s also wayyy easier to have an embarrassing mishap when food is involved (rocket stuck between teeth, or tomato sauce on face, or cream on your top, down your chest and onto your penis, where it curdles with di*k-sweat, generating a heavy, cloying aroma). Also it’s much easier to make a hasty exit if it’s just drinks. I once went for drinks with a guy and there was just no vibe at all, so after 40 mins I lifted my phone to my ear and uttered the immortal words “oh my god, really? Three robbers? In my room? They’ve stolen everything?” before leaving hastily. That was only possible because it was drinks only, and even then literally just one.


4) Sex or nah?

This hand gesture represents sex

You’ll hear a lot of people say “I don’t have sex on a first date” or “I don’t have sex until the third/fourth date/marriage/death”. I think these all form part of a really negative relationship with sex where sex is something apart from and outside of an emotional connection. Where sex is something taboo and where having sex regularly or to enjoy yourself makes you a “slut”. It’s all complete nonsense. If you want to have sex with someone and they do too, have sex! Physical connection is intimately linked to emotional connection, so if you’re concerned about “connecting with them on an emotional level” first then you’re only going to speed this up by having sex with them. And if you’re worried that they’re “only interested in sex” then leaving it until the fifth date won’t solve this, you’ll just have wasted a lot of time and money.


5) What next?

You are THE ONE

Again a lot of disputed territory here. My advice in theory is to play it cool the next day, maybe wait until the afternoon before a breezy like “hey how’s it going?” That being said I’m a #BadBoy who never follows his own rulez, so if I’ve gone on a date and it’s gone well then probably 3 mins after they’ve left I’ll text being like “THAT WAS FUN WHEN ARE YOU NEXT FREE???”

Maybe don’t follow my lead on the 5th one.


Follow Mark on Instagram here! Check out some of his videos below!