5 Straight-Up Gay Ways to… NOT do Grindr


Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.

He’s on social media too! Follow Mark on Instagram here


Ok soooo lockdown is gonna be over soon (fingers crossed) and that means that you will be free again to explore (or not) the world of Grindr. Or you may have already been exploring up and lining up your post-lockdown loves (or likes (or not even likes, just lads)). Regardless, here’s 5 of my real bugbears (ha ha ha ha ha) on Grindr. Pls don’t do them.


1. “I ONLY TOP”.
We all know #ThoseGuys. They think they’re super masc because they “only top” even though they listen to Celine Dion and remove every blade of hair on their body. I can all but guarantee that this guy inexplicably “hates taps” (by which I mean the things water comes out of (nah just joking lololololol the Grindr type of tap)) and will lose the plot with you for being a “timewaster” if you decide that you actually don’t want his inconsiderate gammon-piece inside you.
2. “What you into?”
Sex. I’m into sex. That’s why we’re here no? What do you want people to reply? Paisley? Train travel? Cordless vacuums (fr how amazing tho)? I get it like you want to get a sense for what they like sexually but just be more blunt I would because this question is ridiculous.
I actually got a message the other day on Grindr saying “this is so ironic. Your online videos are all about how toxic the gay scene is and yet you won’t even reply to someone”. Ngl I don’t think not replying on Grindr is rude. If we were friends and this was WhatsApp, yeah ok (though even then tbf I often leave friends hanging for like a day/week/month/year). If we were at a house party (what’s that again?) and you came up to me and said hi and I said nothing, sure that would be rude (although again I often make a hasty exit to the bogs if I can’t remember someone’s name or know they’re annoying and cba to talk to them). But a message on Grindr is equivalent to getting a letter through your front door saying “hey, I think you’re fit”. Your default should be they’re not gonna reply. The good news is that then you’ll be pleasantly surprised if they do.
4. “Pics?”
If I can’t see a photo of you then don’t expect a reply from me, babe. Sure I’m sympathetic if you’re still in the closet (who am I gonna out you to tho? My dog?) or in a family or community or situation where it’s difficult for you to be who you are, but realistically I’m not gonna have sex with a garden wall or a kitchen chair or the pair of shoes you’ve got as your profile pic. Happy for those elements to be involved though 😉.
5. “XXL”
The number of XXLs I see floating around on Grindr anyone would think this was a closing down sale at a high street clothes store amiriiiiiiite 😂😂😂. Seriously though I think Grindr should publish a size guide and you have to upload a pic to be verified as XXL 😂. Like why lie about the size of your penis anyway? It’s such short-term thinking. And do people really want a penis to be XXL? Doesn’t that present… all sorts of difficulties? I prefer to be upfront and honest and advertise mine as “distinctly average in all departments” and then there is no room for disappointment.
For more from Mark, follow him on Instagram here


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