5 straight up gay ways to… navigate a ‘no homo bro’ encounter

Author: Mark Bittlestone

Chances are that we’ve all got with a “straight” guy before. And if you haven’t, what have you been doing with your life? This is a gay blog for gays and this week’s entry is going to break down the different types of “no homo bro” encounters you might have and how to play them. Here are my top 5 tips for gay encounters with a straight person…

1) “I’m straight but I just like sucking di*k”.

This is a quote airlifted from a guy who offered me a blowjob just this past weekend on a stag do. I really don’t understand the psychology of a guy who would say this (though my lack of understanding admittedly didn’t extend to not accepting the blowjob, thank you very much). Surely he’s aware that enjoying sucking di*k is literally one of the entry requirements for not being straight. I genuinely felt in two minds as to how to react. Not whether I should accept it or not: LOL. The conflict was whether he deserved my sympathy for clearly being unable to accept his sexuality. Or, instead, was there something degrading about his continuing a fully paid-up membership of the heterogang (original coinage please @poofsrus if you use x) while conducting clandestine gay encounters in which he actively boasts to gay men like me that he “is straight” i.e. “I’m not one of you fa**ots”. This was peak GAY CONFLICT. Again, to confirm, I did accept the blowjob. 

2)  “I’m straight except for you”.

There were two “straight” guys I consistently got with at university, both were part of my soccer team. One of them said he “found my charisma attractive”. Flattered, babe! To be fair, I absolutely did not not get with these guys. That’s a double negative for the keen-eyed. For clarity, I DID get with them both. But once again, there was something about it that made me uneasy. Maybe it was the ease with which they assumed that I, as a gay man, just would get with them (admittedly a fair assumption as it turned out in my case)? Maybe it was the idea that this was something that only ever happened when we were drunk and clearly, when sober, they’d “never get with a guy”. Again, I don’t have the answers. To confirm, I did get with both of these straight boys. LOL.

3) “I’ll give you a brojob but I don’t do sex with guys”.

This is one of my personal favourites and I have encountered it a few times. I don’t mean gay guys who just don’t engage in anal sex (“side” is the terminology, I believe), but “straight” men who truly believe that if they stop at the blowjob stage but “don’t do any bum stuff” then that means they’re “not properly gay”. If you “eat a bit of chicken every now and then” you’re not a vegetarian mate. And by chicken I, of course, mean dic—. Anyway, to confirm, I always let them ,eat meat.

4) “Don’t tell anyone okay?”

Probably my least favourite and maybe the most toxic of the “no homo bro” traits. Contained within this is the idea that what they (the “straight” guy) has just done with you (the gay man) is furtive, gross and secretive. Of course everything is contextual. Clearly if it is someone who is really struggling with their sexuality or in a difficult position to come out (and it is we who want to be in the difficult position amirite boyz), then their wish for anonymity should be respected. I’m talking here about guys who luxuriate in their straightness and are normally mildly homophobic themselves, and are insistent that you protect their high toxic self-image as heterosexual alpha. Anyway, to confirm, I did still sleep with them.

5) “Wear a lace thong for me”. 

Obviously I’m all for anyone wearing anything and for consenting adults engaging in whatever suits their desires. I’m referring here to a certain brand of toxic straight guy on Grindr who essentially wants to imagine that, to all intents and purposes, they are having sex with a cisgendered woman when in reality they’re fucking a cisgendered man. Other items in this space: “good girl”, “your pussy is tighter than a girl’s”, “bet you moan like a little girl”. Kinks have to be mutual, and just because you’re straight and I’m gay that does not make me… ‘your girl’ (?) just because it gets you off to think of me that way. Those kind of affirmations are degrading to everyone. So unless I’ve expressed that’s what I’m into in the bedroom, all you’re doing is spewing some toxic masculinity aimed at degrading everyone who isn’t you. Making me a woman with your words does not make you any more heterosexual when your di*k is in me, thank you very much.

Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man.
Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.

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