5 straight-up gay ways to… (lightly) tackle homophobia

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Author: Mark Bittlestone 

Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.


 

I’m sure everyone reading this blog has been called something homophobic, like “fa**ot”, “homo” or “selfish dick who owes me money” (that last one was just my brother being annoyed with me but I said it was homophobic so he wiped the debt).

 

So here’s a blog on how to deal with it when it happens. PS This is a gay comedy blog so don’t take it seriously (but also if you do I’m not liable*). 

(*I don’t think I am but then again I know nothing about the legal system other than, like all gay men, every single one of Elle Wood’s lines in Legally Blonde.)

 

Here are my top 5 tips…

1) Ignore it.

I wrote this on a train.

I’m sure we’ve all taken this option at least once before. I was a teacher for a little bit and I’m ashamed to admit that one time I let the insult “gay” slide because I was knackered and just couldn’t be bothered to get involved. But to be fair I also got fired for pulling sickies so I was just an awful employee in many respects.

 

2) Agree with it.

Did I mention I’m on a train?

Nothing knocks a homophobe off his stride when he calls you a fa**ot like replying “I am one, what of it?”. Follow it up with “and so’s your dad” and you’ve really done him over in front of his mates 😜.

 

3) Improve it.

On a train btw x

A development of the above. Suppose someone calls you a bender (an English slang word for a gay man) you could reply “indeed”, and then bend over, proffering your ass to him. It’s win-win because he’ll either be annoyed that you’ve taken it so well 😜  or he’ll just have sex with you then and there which is realistically what we all want from straight, homophobic men.

 

4) Call it out.

PS Still on a train xox

I was at a football match once and this middle-aged guy next to me who was sat with his two young kids shouted “oi, ref, you must be gay” and I told him that I was gay and that that sort of language was unacceptable, particularly in front of his kids. He was mortified and apologised profusely. It then got quite annoying because I had to sit next to him for the rest of the game and he kept apologising to me every 5 minutes and telling me he just “wasn’t that type of guy”. In the end I called him gay for apologising so much and that nipped it in the bud tbf.

 

5) Combat it with heterophobia.

Trains!

This is a nice comeback. Options include “fuck off breeder”, “go have some kids” and “at least I’ve got a dress sense you ugly c*nt”. DM me your thoughts.

 

For more from Mark follow him on Instagram here and check out some of his videos below! 

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