Author: Mark Bittlestone
Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
I’m sure everyone reading this blog has been called something homophobic, like “fa**ot”, “homo” or “selfish dick who owes me money” (that last one was just my brother being annoyed with me but I said it was homophobic so he wiped the debt).
So here’s a blog on how to deal with it when it happens. PS This is a gay comedy blog so don’t take it seriously (but also if you do I’m not liable*).
(*I don’t think I am but then again I know nothing about the legal system other than, like all gay men, every single one of Elle Wood’s lines in Legally Blonde.)
Here are my top 5 tips…
1) Ignore it.
I’m sure we’ve all taken this option at least once before. I was a teacher for a little bit and I’m ashamed to admit that one time I let the insult “gay” slide because I was knackered and just couldn’t be bothered to get involved. But to be fair I also got fired for pulling sickies so I was just an awful employee in many respects.
2) Agree with it.
Nothing knocks a homophobe off his stride when he calls you a fa**ot like replying “I am one, what of it?”. Follow it up with “and so’s your dad” and you’ve really done him over in front of his mates 
.
3) Improve it.
A development of the above. Suppose someone calls you a bender (an English slang word for a gay man) you could reply “indeed”, and then bend over, proffering your ass to him. It’s win-win because he’ll either be annoyed that you’ve taken it so well or he’ll just have sex with you then and there which is realistically what we all want from straight, homophobic men.
4) Call it out.
I was at a football match once and this middle-aged guy next to me who was sat with his two young kids shouted “oi, ref, you must be gay” and I told him that I was gay and that that sort of language was unacceptable, particularly in front of his kids. He was mortified and apologised profusely. It then got quite annoying because I had to sit next to him for the rest of the game and he kept apologising to me every 5 minutes and telling me he just “wasn’t that type of guy”. In the end I called him gay for apologising so much and that nipped it in the bud tbf.
5) Combat it with heterophobia.
This is a nice comeback. Options include “fuck off breeder”, “go have some kids” and “at least I’ve got a dress sense you ugly c*nt”. DM me your thoughts.