5 Straight Up Gay Ways To… Leave Lockdown (When we’re allowed)


For over a year now we’ve all been learning how to live in lockdown – the ‘new normal’ – but as the time approaches (and we’re not there yet my enthusiastic queer friends) we’ve got something new to consider. How to leave lockdown? And I’m not talking about weird straight stuff like “the economy”, “schools”, “international travel”. I’m talking about gay ways to leave lockdown. Here are my top 5 tips…


1. Go fucking mental.

Heaven. Bridge. Ku. Two Brewers. Arch. All in one night. You can do it. I am actually a terrible G-A-Y (see what I did there). I’ve been to Heaven once and Two Brewers maybe twice and I find it all a bit overwhelming tbh. Also I have 0 gay friends. All my friends are straight guys. Someone be my friend pls?


2.Lose the plot but only a little bit.

Maybe a short Grindr spree. Like two guys in a week (woah Grandpa). Have some cocktails. But not to a crazy point. One cosmo maybe? Just release yourself back into the wild like you’re putting your foot into the bath. Don’t want to get burnt by the scalding hot water of social interaction.


3.Easy does it.

Look, you’ve been out of the game for a while now. You may have forgotten how to interact, how to spot social cues, how to douche, how to…prepare to top (is that a thing?). So aim for maybe one social event per week so that there’s no nasty surprises. Like gonorrhoea. That’s a really nasty surprise and one that I got in November. LOL just joking. Or am I?


4.As you were.

Pretend that lockdown never stopped. Have all your interactions over Zoom or on death-defyingly dull walks. Continue “smashing” your personal projects and “just really enjoying having nothing on”. But don’t ever let me hear you call yourself a proper gay. Remember, you’re ONLY a proper gay if you LOVE Beyonce and love even more SCREAMING her songs at the top of your lungs when surrounded by 1000 twinks and having paid £15 for entry and £17 for a weak vodka-coke.


5.Retreat further.

Become the hermit you were born to be. Grow a beard (the facial hair type; don’t get another girlfriend, it’s sexist to assume you can waste women’s time in that fashion). I wish I could. It’s super weird but I have a full bodice of pubic hair around my meat and veg but then, like, the tiniest dusting on my chest and legit NOTHING under my armpits and maybe like 30 seconds’ growth (for a proper man) over a week on my cheeks. So wurk it.


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