5 Straight Up Gay Ways to…Learn From Lockdown




1) Empty calendar = joy.

I know y’all love going to brunch with your queens and screaming “it’s not bottomless anymore” BUT tbh my fave thing about lockdown has been making big plans for the empty weekend ahead, like “catch up with an old friend” or “repair relationship with my father” or “repair relationship with my daddy”, but then doing none of these and binge-watching every Reece Witherspoon movie.


2) No sex can be good.

Honestly, gay sex can be effort. There’s the eternal question: to douche or not to douche. Or, if you’re a top: to be a douche or not to be a douche. I personally have enjoyed not having sex during the pandemic. Though, to be fair, I had sex once in 2019, so it hasn’t exactly been a massive shock to the system.


3) Anything but walks.

Secret’s out, walks suck. You can’t look at the person you’re walking with, and as I’m only friends with hot straight guys, this is super annoying. No but actually, the legacy of spending most of my school and university years in the closet is that ALL my guy friends are straight. Which is hot af tbh don’t @ me.


4) Wfh is the best.

There’s nothing better than being a stone’s throw away from your favourite Britney CD and your vibrator, amirite? Nah jokes I threw away all my CDs years ago (erm sorry, I didn’t realise Marie Kondo was writing this article 😂😂) and I don’t own a vibrator. But my housemate lets me borrow hers so all good.


5) Zoom can be cool.

Zoom is great because when my brother annoys me with his annoying face and says something annoying that I don’t like I can just hang up and get on with my day with zero (ok maybe some) social consequences. I have two older brothers btw. Did you know that for every older brother you have, there’s a 33% increased chance that you might be gay? Funny and smart, that’s me, guys. Form an orderly queue 😉.


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