Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
He’s on social media too! Follow Mark on Instagram here
There are enough ‘how to’ guides to have heterosexual sex. Everything from sex education, to Biology lessons, to the ‘birds and the bees’ chat your parents wincingly gave you without knowing it was going to be TOTALLY irrelevant, to every film or TV series ever. But here, on GLUE, on my blog, we are interested in how to have GAY SEX thank you very much. Here are my tips, all from my own personal experience…
1) You don’t have to do anal.
About ⅓ of gay guys don’t regularly according to this study. I’ve been in two relationships with guys who had either never had anal sex or were incredibly new to it (not by the end they weren’t tho wheyyyyy). It should be ‘part of your sexual arsenal’ (come on Mark, is weaponry really the best analogy here?) but doesn’t always have to be ‘the main course’ (ffs now mixed metaphors, make your mind up, Mark). In fact, to me it seems like we’ve allowed heterosexual discourse to penetrate (ha ha ha) gay ideas around intercourse (hehe a my straight friends can penetrate my gay ideas with their heterosexual discourse anytime): because (*checks notes*) vaginal (*checks notes*) penetration is so the be-all-and-end-all of heterosexual sex, so we think the same about anal penetration and homosexual sex. In fact, I think blowjobs are more intimate than anal, I think kissing is way cuter, I think 69ing is cool (but also like this is what it must feel like to drown except instead of a thousand tons of ocean on top of your head it’s a thousand tons of ASS – amirite, boyz?) and I love hugging the most of all.
2) Most guys aren’t ‘top’ or ‘bottom’.
And actually, it’s suggested that ‘versatile’ guys have better psychological health… Again, I think the top/bottom binary is one we’ve borrowed wholesale from the heterosexual world (man/woman) and it’s time to give it back…For example, do we think it’s healthy when guys think of themselves as ‘tops only’…. Me myself, I love them both, sometimes at the same time if I can 🤪.
3) You don’t have to douche.
The relationships I’ve been in I’ve pretty much never douched when I bottom and 80-90% of the time it’s totally fine. Your anus doesn’t generally store faeces so unless you’ve just had “a movement” or really need one, chances are it’s gonna be fine. Obviously the rules change if this is the biggest guy on earth… I also get the idea that if it’s a one night stand or a hook-up you really want that feeling of 100% being clean. I’m just saying that a high fibre diet and knowing when’s best for your bodyodyody can save you and your housemates a lot of hassle, particularly if you only have one bathroom. (“I’m just going for a shower guys”… cut to three hours later and they’ve had to wee in a bucket downstairs).
4) Debate over. Morning sex is best.
If you’re not having morning sex, you’ve not lived. I am SO horny in the morning. And I’m not alone either. Honestly, flick onto Grindr from 6-8am and it’s like a shipment of illegally poached wildlife: full of horn. Also sex releases endorphins and oxytocin which helps to stave off anxiety and depression, so it is honestly the best start to the day. And I say this having been single for ages and having not had morning sex in AGES, so can you tell how keen I am for it?
5) Use dark sheets.
Ok so I know this is a bit of a gay-sex-101 but if you aaaaaare gonna have anal sex then don’t deliberately make life hard for yourself (you should be hard anyway 🤪). I battled away for a while with white sheets because they’re fab-u-lous but in the end I gave up because there’s only so many times I’m willing to pretend I’m a 17th century washer boy and hand-scrub sh*t out of my sheets (though in other circumstances and for other purposes I’m more than happy to pretend I’m a 17th century washer boy ).
So those are my own top tips for the gay sex! Drop me a line on Insta or in the comments with your thoughts! And take a look at D’Bunked too (GLUE’s sex therapy column) by clicking here!
And remember… the most important thing is that you have FUN!!
For more from Mark find him on Instagram here