5 straight-up gay ways to… have a gay holiday

Author: Mark Bittlestone 

Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.

Alright we’re getting to that time of year when every gay Instagram account is populated by #TakeMeBack #MyOfficeForTheDay #DiscoverUnder5K #Holibobs and others which make me want to #DrownMySelf.
Although, to be honest, I am just as bad – arguably worse – when it comes to tragic #instaposts, so don’t @ me. Anyway, this week’s blog is about #Holidays and how to do do them #GayStyle.
1) Gaycation.
Fu*kfests yes or no?
To be honest, I’ve never actually done one of these because the vast majority of my friends aren’t gay (sickening, I know) but I’m really keen to go to like a gay resort in Mykonos or to a gay nudist beach in Brazil, because it would be cool? Someone who’s been on one message me please – are they total fu*kfests? If not, I’m genuinely not interested. XX
2) Non-gay holiday.
A Sri Wanka
So I just got back from Sri Lanka where homosexuality is – in theory (the law is never actually used in practice) – illegal, thanks to the British who put it on the statute books at the end of the nineteenth century. Anyway, I had an amazing time, but it is sometimes a bit sad to be somewhere where there’s basically no chance of hooking up with someone or being able to flirt with someone. Obviously this is a highly privileged standpoint because I was just a tourist and there’s queer people who live there for whom this is a daily reality: love to them. But also clearly in all these countries there is a gay scene operating covertly and often Grindr is a lifeline. Semi-related side-note: In Jamaica a couple of years ago, a country widely quoted as “the most homophobic on earth”, I had sex with a gay couple on New Year’s Eve. So that’s a good example of gayness really being everywhere you go if you’re willing to look for it. Although, on that particular occasion, my cousin was in the next room and did see me naked. So there’s that.
3) Staycation.
Which one’s the dick 🤪
Obviously. what with COVID, environmental concerns, and the rise in the cost of living (especially here in the UK) a staycation is a good way to go. Growing up, my Dad refused to go on holiday in the UK because the weather is always so shit. So I was like 25 before I went to Scotland… or Wales… or Cornwall?? But yeah, whack ya dildos in a car and drive somewhere!
4) Sort your life out.
Mum and Dad!!
Sometimes it’s good to take a few days, or a week, off work and chill some of the time but also sort your life out a bit. Wardrobe need clearing out? Still haven’t paid last year’s tax? Parents’ ashes still lingering around like a bad smell (and actually making a bad smell)? Take some time off and #SortItOut. Two of these three apply to me btw!!
5) Never take holiday and work until you die.
Till I Die!
This is a half-decent option I guess. Obviously holidays are great, but also when I’m on them I get stressed that I’m not working and stressed about admin I haven’t done and just have anxiety in general… so maybe the answer is just to never take time off? Seems healthy.

For more from Mark follow him on Instagram here and check out some of his videos below! 


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