Author: Mark Bittlestone
Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
It’s Friday night and you wanna get your crunk on. Or it’s Saturday night and you wanna try your luck with some boyzzz. Or it’s Monday night but your boss is away so realistically you can do whatever you want with your Tuesday and your friends are alcoholics so… Either way, you’re GOING CLUBBING. Here’s how to do it, gay style.
1) Get obsessed.
Get obsessed immediately with a hottie and spend the whole night in fruitless pursuit of him. Honestly, this is my modus operandi. I normally spot a a guy early on and, despite zero evidence that he is into me, spend the entire night DIHV (dancing in his vicinity) in a vain attempt to get him to notice me. Unfortunately I’m terrible at dancing, have a really bad dress sense and make generally awful first impressions, so this tactic NEVER works.
2) Be chill.
Although the exact opposite of me, this is probably the way to do it. It’s a truism but it’s probably correct that people who go into clubs without an explicit aim of getting with someone always end up doing so. Idk, maybe gays are like sharks in that they can smell desperation on you. Other ways in which that comparison holds true include: we’ve been around from the dawn of time, we’re going extinct (I wish tbh) and if you whack us on the nose you temporarily stun us (unconfirmed). Overall I think if you can toe a line between being chill and going for what you want that’s a good vibe.
3) Get properly drunk.
I manage to combine this and number 1 with truly horrendous results, shifting from “trying to be chill” to telling him he “has beautiful hands” in the space of about 3 minutes. Then I get frustrated that the guy I want to get with a) doesn’t want to get with me and b) thinks I’m a complete freak so, I go and get another double spiced rum and coke (king of drinks imo) and the entire cycle repeats itself with worsening results.
4) Go sober.
As you can probably tell, this isn’t my bag but I can imagine it has a ton of benefits: no hangover the next day, you can decide without beer goggles if someone’s your type or not and you can speak to them like a human. You can also verify objectively if it was a good night or not because you can actually remember it. Downsides include: having to speak to drunk people while sober (I did dry Jan this year and can confirm this was fucking horrendo), not being able to use “I’m going to get a drink” as an excuse to get away from people in your group you don’t like, not drinking so not constantly needing a wee so not being able to use “I need a wee” as an excuse to get away from people in your group you don’t like.
5) Go see some drag!
I think drag works because you have a focus and something to enjoy in that period between 10pm-1am where you’re not drunk enough to dance and declare that Mariah Carey is our “greatest living songstress” yet, but also you can’t be fucking bothered to talk to any of your friends. Drag works because you can have a wee boogie and a singalong but you also don’t have to be full-out dancing and if a friend tries to talk to you you can say “this is my favourite drag queen” and obviously all gays will respect that.