​​5 straight-up gay ways to… get out of bed in the morning

Author: Mark Bittlestone 

Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.

Tbf this isn’t exclusive to gays because, I think (?), some straight people struggle with getting (it) up too, but a) idgaf about them, and b) our lives are arguably harder so it makes more sense that we all fucking hate getting out of bed, alright? PS All of these are easier for me because I’m self-employed, so sorry if you’re not xxx

Here are my top five tips…

1) Bath.

My Happy Place

If I’m not racing to be somewhere I love a morning bath. I call it my “commute” then chuckle to myself like an fat, retired old man. Nah but seriously, I understand the whole shower thing in the morning, but mornings don’t all have to be grind-grind-5am-grind-i-love-my-life-grind, you can gently wind up for the day. If you want the ultimate meal-deal combo it’s a bath + a wank: you feel chilled, happy, relaxed – ready for the day.


2) Morning nookie.

Anyone fancy morning nookie w me?

So if I had a partner then this would be a more realistic option for me. But I don’t. And if I ever sleep with someone then they very much have to leave immediately afterwards. BUT the few times that I have been in a relationship, I’m a megafan of morning nooks, with the important drawback that you gotta go clean your teeth first because that’s grim otherwise. But yeah I’m suuuuper horny in the mornings, it’s absolutely ridic tbh, like, WHAT is the science behind that??


3) Get a dog.

Look at her lil face tho

So a lot of the time, if I’m feeling anxious or depressed, I cba to get out of bed… buttttt because my dog needs to pee and eat and stuff I drag myself up and let her out and give her food and then I’m up and that’s a good thing, right? So yeah overall I think it’s a positive but also I do have to clear her shit up (by which I mean her literal shit not like her clothes and books etc.) and her life is so expensive man and walk her like every day it never ends ffs.


4) Find a job you like.

I heart my job

So this is a good ‘un but I find it much easier to get out of bed when I’m motivated by the day ahead. So like if I have a fun gig or a cool meeting or recording some content that I know slaps. Obv this is from a super privileged standpoint of being able to choose a job, but if you don’t like your job and you’re able to, find one you do like. Life’s too short kiddo and you’re gay so you’re allowed to do what you want.


5) Get a 9-5 🤮.

Workin’ 9-5

Yeah so although this makes me feel sicker than watching a straight couple go on a Saturday morning jog together, when I had a 9-5 (I was a History teacher in a secondary school but got fired – long story) because I had to get out of bed I just did and actually my mental health was pretty on point. But then again also I was slaving away marking 11 year olds’ essays on William the Conqueror which was an abysmal use of my brilliant mind, so, yeah.


For more from Mark follow him on Instagram here and check out some of his videos below!