1)Silence the pass-agg child inside you.
All us gays have one. It’s there, waiting to come out. Mine leaps out with asshole statements like “let’s”, “it would be great if”, “I’m guilty of this as well”. Be a big boy and if something is annoying you, just say it. The other day I told my housemate that it really annoyed me when he came into my room and slept in my bed. Btw my housemate is my boyfriend. Just a joke lol, I don’t have a boyfriend. And if I did I’d never let him sleep in my bed. It would be a the-deed-is-done-now-off-you-go-in-an-uber-job.
2) Cook for them but make sure it’s nice.
Us gays are meant to be good at things like cooking and when we’re not it’s really embarrassing. I had a total shocker recently. It was a veg korma but like a fool I didn’t realise that the skin of a butternut squash is essentially a thick layer of vulcanized rubber (what IS up with that I refuse to believe they grow naturally) and didn’t peel it so the curry tasted like someone had bought a load of erasers and whacked them in a pot of rice.
3) Entertain their straightness.
I actually enjoy football (I know! Gross!) so this one is quite easy for me, but I also go out of my way to humour the ridiculously straight things my housemate says. So I nod, laugh and smile as if I understand what he means when he says things like “I fixed the gasket on the bathroom wastepipe” (no clue mate, I’m gay), “anyone mind if I watch the United game tonight?” (did you not read my manual: I’m gay) or “I’m going to have sex with my girlfriend now” (I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THOSE WORDS I’M GAY).
4) Stop using your female housemate’s beauty products.
If you’re at all like me and you were relatively late in coming out, so are relatively new to the idea that you no longer have to keep pretending that you’re straight, or that gendering beauty products (or, indeed, anything) makes no sense at all, then you’ll still buy crappy 2-in-1 shampoo-and-conditioner out of habit. Then you look at your housemate’s Oribe Gold Lust Repair with Nigella Sativa Compounds and think “ooooh, come on, let’s pamper myself and try it”. Don’t. That tiny handful costs about £11.50 and if your housemate is anything like my housemate she will notice immediately and you will be eating your own rubbery korma for the next fortnight.
5. Veet their back if they ask you to
Even if it makes you feel more sick than the time(s) you walked in on your parents (having sex, not just existing). This one is kinda specific to me I guess. The aforementioned male housemate is in fact my straight cousin. Great guy. Hairy back. Body hair is weird to me because I basically don’t own any. I thought it would really blossom with puberty but it just didn’t so I look like a 12 year old boy, both clothed and naked. Anyway, every once in a while my cousin asks me to Veet his back and I do it, because this builds up credit for when I inevitably do something horrendous like leave the bath running all night. “You blew every fuse in the house”, to which I smiled, nodded, and laughed, internally having absolutely no idea what any of the words meant because I am gayer than pink Himalayan salt.