Author: Mark Bittlestone
Full disclosure… I have terrible game. I am shocking at summoning up the confidence to approach guys in pubs or bars or clubs. Every time I every slide into guys’ DMs it ends up in either straight rejection or a 12-month talking stage. So I guess this is all theoretical. Still. It’s a GAY BLOG and that’s all that matters. Here are my top five – in no way expert – tips for getting your flirt on…
1) Go over to them.
You know the drill. You spot them from across the bar. They’re hot. You think “I’ll just do it how they do it in the movies”. So you then get really hammered to summon up the confidence. But you overdo it. You’re now both too drunk to make a positive first impression and two hours have elapsed since you first locked eyes and he’s now dancing with someone else. You have more drinks, go to McDonalds and jerk off when you get home. And by “you”, I very much mean “I”.
2) Get a friend to do it.
I’ve played this a few times. Especially good for if you’re in a straight venue and don’t know if they’re gay. Or if you are in a gay club and want to know if they’re single. Or interested in you. So you send a “scouting party” (i.e. your female friend). You see them shouting into each others’ ears from a few metres away and you try and play it *so cool* like “hahaha how funny they’re talking this is NOTHING to do with me”. Then inevitably your friend comes back and goes “he’s in a relationship sorry”. You have more drinks, go to McDonalds and jerk off when you get home. And by “you” I very much mean “I”.
3) Enter the “friendzone”.
I’ve put friendzone in quote marks because it’s gross, but y’all know what I mean. If you fancy someone, say someone that you work with or who you know through another friend, I figure you have two main options. 1) You just go for it and ask them on a date when you don’t really know them that well. 2) You bide your time and hope they fall for you over time. What I tend to do is miss the opportunity for option 1 by asking when I’m kinda already their friend but not enough for option 2 to have worked its magic (if it was ever going to). Thus giving them all the power in our dynamic and making it essentially inevitable that it’s never going to happen.
4) Slide into their DMs.
I can’t say I’ve done this with much success, but sometimes when I see cute boys on Instagram I will message them being like “hey hun” or “you’re cute” or “I’m in love with you, can we perhaps get married [if you want to get married in a country where that’s legal] or have kids [likewise]”. The problem is that it’s so easy to mistake politeness for interest over the internet. If they reply I message my friends immediately being like “OMFG THEY WANT TO MOVE IN WITH ME” but inevitably I then discover they just didn’t want to become the subject of my next TikTok…
5) Perseverance is not cute.
Richard Curtis & co have a huge amount to answer for because I feel like we’ve been programmed to believe that perseverance is “cute”. I think the boomer generation are also to blame because so many of their “how we met” stories are like “your father asked me out 17 times before I said yes”. Sorry babe but if I told someone no 16 times and they showed up a 17th time I’d get the imaginary revolver I keep under my very real cold pillow and deal with them then and there (by which I mean I’d scream until someone rescued be because NO to guns). Perseverance isn’t cute. If someone says no or – god forbid – ghosts you, it sucks and it’s shit, but you just have to accept it and move on. In the very unlikely event they change their mind….they’ll contact you. Besides….you can always [drink-McDonalds-jerk off].
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Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
He’s on social media too! Follow Mark on Instagram here and check some of his latest videos below: