5 straight-up gay ways to… find yourself a long-term relationship

Author: Mark Bittlestone 

Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.

To begin, I should point out that I am the absolute last person who should be writing a column on this.

The longest relationship I’ve had lasted 10 months and, other than that, nothing has gone beyond 2-3 months. So, this is purely hypothetical.

This is also a gay blog for gays so don’t be turning up here if you’re straight. You lot have no issues building long-term relationships because you’re not traumatised (most of you) from the point of puberty onwards. Here are my top five tips…

1) Lower your standards.

I’m a super model, get over it

So, if you’re like me and you refuse to date anyone who doesn’t have modelesque good looks, chances are you’re going to be struggling to find a long-term boyfriend. The truth is that most people who have model good looks aren’t that fun or interesting (except for me) because they’ve cruised their way through life primarily on looks. I never end up in long-term relationships because I irrationally refuse to even entertain the idea that “personality” matters. I’m working through it with my therapist. Tip 1.5) see a therapist. 


2) Be generally more tolerant.

If you snore you die

I’m guilty of this. I get “the ick” so quickly. For example, if someone eats gross food, has a weird skincare/ bathroom routine , or snores (I once dumped a guy just because he snored like a DRAGON) then I pull the (butt)plug almost immediately. Probably a better thing to do would be to communicate my issues with them and talk it over. But who the fuck wants to do that? Better to dump and run, amirite? Tip 2.5) see a therapist. 


3) Encourage yourself to feel frightened of being alone.

Ugh my boyfriend always used to turn the TV on I literally don’t know how???

Quite a lot of my friends are serial long-termers and honestly their standards for being with someone are just shocking. Not only are their other halves unattractive but they’re not interesting either (hi guys, id you’re reading). They must honestly just be terrified of having to spend the evening watching TV alone? So, I guess, if you want an LTR then find some way of becoming terrified of your own company. Get people to jump out at you and scare you? Force yourself to not attend social events as a single person? Is this good advice? Is this even “advice”? 😂 3.5) See a therapist. 


4) See them rarely.

Sorry babe, can’t see you this weekend, got a busy one staring out the window

Yeah so this is a bit of a “cheat” but, if you want to stay in a relationship but don’t really like your partner, then inorganically elongate it by just seeing them extremely rarely. Go on holidays or say that work is “killing you” or insist upon private time for yourself. This will enable you to stretch the relationship out beyond its natural breaking point (like I’ve done with my anus using car oil). Though, again, is this really a solution? 4.5) THERAPY.


5) Go on a break(s).

The only LTR I need tbh

Admittedly this is a cheat in a similar manner to point 4. You can claim your relationship lasted 3 years even though you were only technically together for 18 months of it and the rest of it consisted of being on a break and sleeping with other people. This enables you to combine the best of both worlds: the joy of being single multiplied by the satisfaction of reporting to people that your life is in good order because you’ve had a long-term relationship and that’s what we all want!!!!


I guess overall this blog has probably shown why I have failed to build long-term relationships. I obviously view them as a heteronormative con and I’m too narcissistic to enter into one of them unless the other person is (also) a supermodel. Great progress today, people. 


For more from Mark follow him on Instagram here and check out some of his videos below!