Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
He’s on social media too! Follow Mark on Instagram here
Ok soooo the sun has come out (bit late mate, I came out years ago ) and there are lots of ways to enjoy it. I’m not here to talk about “lots of ways” though, which we all know means straight, boring ways. I’m here to tell you about GAY ways to enjoy it.
1) Nude sunbathing.
Nothing could be gayer than getting your togs off, spreading a towel on your lawn or roof (or, if you have neither, just in a public park) and bronzing all over. Remember to cream up (by which I mean sun cream… or DO I?!? ) and to turn over to ensure you get an even spread. Speaking of spread, when lying on your front, find 20 minutes minimum to pull your ass cheeks apart so the sun can give your butthole a good roast.
2) Staying indoors.
This is really gay to be fair. Sun = outdoors = physical activity = not something that we do. Pour yourself a cosmo and watch some Casualty (sort of like the UK equivalent to ER but much, much shi*ter) instead.
3) Get wasted.
This is really on-brand for us gays. I genuinely think that getting hammered in the sun is my favourite activity. Apart from kissing boys. And actually when the two are combined there is surely no better activity on EARTH, amirite? Sometimes though the combination of sun and alcohol acts like a pretty powerful drug on me and when I flirt I say weird things like “I love you” and “I want to go out with you” to boys I’ve only just met. So… what I’m saying is… find me in a beer garden this summer .
4) Wear shades.
If you’re gay then by law it is decreed that you must own minimum 17 pairs of shades. My fav thing about wearing sunglasses is OBVIOUSLY being able to look at hot guys w/o them knowing. Tbh though I only really own one pair of sunglasses. I’m an awful gay and my fashion sense is TERRIBLE. My ex-boyfriend bought them for me because he was so “appalled” by the ones I was wearing.
5) Throw shade.
Now that the sun is out you can literally cast shade on other people instead of just doing it metaphorically like you have for the last 6 months. I like to do this by standing right next to where (straight) people are having a picnic and drinking up all their sun for myself. The same effect can still, however, be enjoyed metaphorically by sitting a few metres away and saying loudly how much you think people who eat meat are fascists (something that you’ve stopped doing temporarily on this day) as the straight couple in question tuck into their sausage rolls (something you will never stop doing even temporarily ).
For more from Mark get him on Insta right here!