5 straight up gay ways to… end (and not end) relationships



This is a blog about gay stuff and today we’ll be looking at ending gay relationships. Apparently breeders straight people have relationships that end too (I always assumed they all fall in love aged 14 and stay with that person for the rest of their lives….is that false?), but we’re not focused on them – this is about GAYS only. We gays are often stereotyped (particularly by ourselves) for having incredibly short relationships. So I guess this is a blog for you if you fit that stereotype. Here are my five top tips…


I pressed send….
Ok full disclosure: I did this once and immediately lost all the moral high-ground. The honest answer is that I’m a coward. I knew that if we met in person I would end up backing out of actually breaking up with him, so instead I text him, but then IMMEDIATELY it became nothing to do with the legitimate reasons for which I actually wanted to end things with him and ALL about the fact that I was essentially Hitler for ending things by text. Even though, I’m sorry, can someone objectively explain to me the actual reason why that’s a problem? Like actually? It’s cold? So’s iced coffee and he fucking loved that.
2) Don’t end it because they’re not “the one”.
contemplating my inevitable death
I know so many (straight normally tbh) people who are my age (28) and are like “we’ve been together for 3 years but I just can’t see myself marrying them so I might as well end it”. Babe, what? Why can’t you just enjoy being with them because it’s… nice? You could be dead tomorrow (to some of my exes, I wish you were – JOKE) so try enjoy today, hun.
3) Imagine them not in your life. How would you cope?
the ultimate rebound
If the answer is that you would be so distraught you’d drink three bottles of wine a day and binge-watch the Roots remake (ahem, in case it wasn’t clear, that was me after the only person I’ve ever loved dumped me), then definitely don’t do it. If you’re like, fuck me it would be good getting some of my time back to go get slaughtered with me mates and have a leisurely jerk off every now and then (ahem, in case it wasn’t clear, this was me after I ended my first relationship) then go for it.
4) Try and stay friends.
I work from home and am all alone during the day but just imagine this is my ex
I know how clichéd this is, but they must have been an important person in your life for you to be with them, and it’s sad to lose that in your life. Sure, two of the three guys I’ve been in relationships have blocked me on WhatsApp, iMessage, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and email, which admittedly is not a great look for me. But recently I went for a walk with the guy I first dated, and it was so nice to catch up and laugh about the TiMeS we had, amirite?! And he’s fit tbf.
5) Ask ONLY two people for advice.
NOT the number of fingers I want up my bum but the no. of relationship gurus you should have
If you ask just one person then you run the risk that they’re an outlier opinion-wise. But more than two and you end up with too many contrasting opinions. I know people who pretty much send out a SurveyMonkey every time their relationship is on the ropes (and their relationship is always on the ropes) and it’s just like… mate, if you poll the entire population of the fucki*g earth then it’s no wonder you can never make up your fucki*g mind. Find your two – for me it’s my sister and a close friend (female, obviously, did I mention I was gay?) – and stick to them.
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