5 Straight-Up Gay Ways to… Embrace Spring


Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.

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5 Straight-Up Gay Ways to… Embrace Spring

So it looks like our despair is going to be slightly lifted because….the sun is coming out! I’m here to give you some tips about how to properly embrace the changing of the weather. But I’m not interested in straight stuff like “go on walks with your children” or “do an Easter egg hunt with your children” or “have children”, I’m here to tell you how to embrace spring….GAY STYLE. Here are my top gay tips! 


1. Go frolicking in the bluebells.

This is a really, nice, gay way to welcome spring into the world. Grab one gay mate from one other household and head to a local forest near you. You, like me, will be intimately familiar (emphasis on intimate hint hint) with your local forest because of all the dog…walking you do there. Anyway, find a patch of bluebells and just roll around in it while singing Disney songs. I do this every year, pandemic or not, and I find it successfully connects me to the Earth’s changing seasons and frightens away any children, which is always my number one priority in life as a gay man.


2. Do NOT spend time with children.

I get it. Spring is meant to be about “new life”: babies, lambs, calves, etc. But let me tell you this. I have a nephew and a niece and 10 minutes with them feels like 10 years. I start playing a fun game with them and before you know it I have to play it over and over again for an hour. It’s boring and repetitive. Why can’t they be like my gay friends and be sassy, unwilling to do physical exercise and be permanently tipsy-at-least? So, no, I won’t be taking my nephew and niece to see lambs or calves (or any other products of heterosexual intercourse, something that I find revolting), I will be spending time (virtually) with ADULTS, thanks very much


3. Get your gay outfit on.

We ALL know what I mean by this. Shorts ✅ Tight T-Shirt ✅ White Socks ✅ Plimsolls ✅. And this outfit will sort you out until November at the very earliest. I’ve actually had mine on since the start of Feb but that’s just me I suppose. There’s nothing better than walking down the street and knowing that everyone knows that you’re gay. Seriously though, I need to work on this. Inexplicably people assume I’m straight and it’s debilitating. Been thinking of getting an earring? Any advice on this? DM me.


4.Get some Vitamin D 😉.

In the absence of any other types of D (wow, I am hilarious), go outside and get yourself a dose of “nature’s D” (sounding like a gay Alan Partridge* now (Gaylan Partridge? Alan Pooftridge?)). Seriously though, I go on at least one walk a day (omg I AM Pooftridge), and the joy that floods through my veins with all the D that I get as a result…you wouldn’t believe it 😉.


5.Plan your hot girl summer.

My timeline is awash with gays planning their hot girl summer and part of me wants them to be happy but also part of me CANNOT WAIT until COVID inevitably ruins every event, holiday and festival they have planned. But sure, get your gay group together and book tickets to every pride festival there is. But don’t come running to me when your plans lay in a heap at the bottom (weyyy) of your festi-bag, surrounded by unused condoms (you’re not fooling anyone), filters and laughing gas canisters.


*For international readers unaware of Alan Partridge, here’s some best bits.

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