5 straight-up gay ways to… do festivals

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Author: Mark Bittlestone 

Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.

We’re heading into summerrrrrr! Which only means one thing for us gayz: get your mesh tops on, paint your faces in glitter, and head to the nearest field where you can pay £350 to watch Kylie Minogue. Here’s how to do festivals… gay style!
1) Go to a gay one.
Busy thinking about straight guys
There’s a growing number of either specifically LGBTQIA+ music festivals or festivals that have reputations as suuuuuper queer. An example of the latter I can give in London is Mighty Hoopla, but hopefully there’s one near where you are. This is a good shout because it’s nice to see someone you think is hot at an event and at least have more than a snowball’s chance in hell that they aren’t a toxic straight guy. Unless you’re like me and that’s your type…..?
2) Mesh + glitter.
Glitz n Glam
This is obviously the essential gay festival toolkit. I went to Sink the Pink last Friday which is a queer dance party, based in London, and wore mesh for the first time and it was cool tbf. Felt like I was part of the gaiclub! It was also fucking cold though and if I hadn’t been on alcohol and other herbal remedies my tits would have quite literally frozen off, so be mindful of the temp.
3) Go with a gay gaggle.
It’s me. I’m the centre of attention.
This is nice if you have a gay gaggle. My gay gaggle is so randomly curated and is drawn across all ages and walks of life, which is cool, butttt the only thing they have in common is knowing me so it means I’m sort of the centre of attention. Tbh I can live with that – hehehehe.
4) Grindr.
Only place you’ll find me having seggs
Dno if you’ve ever flicked on Grindr at a music festival but it is absolutely chockablockkkk with cock! Gaystonbury more like, amirite!? Cockachella more like, amirite?! I guess the only thing is I find it gross enough to imagine sleeping in a tent but the idea of having sex in one makes me feel physically sick but, if you can get through that, then you’re golden.
5) Grow a gay following on ya socials.
Just uploading ‘a gay in the life of’ xox
Hehehe basically at Sink the Pink the other night, I got all the way to the front ‘cos people recognised me from TikTok and Insta and that, which was coooooool man. So basically yeah if you want queuejump at a music festi then become an influencer!!!

For more from Mark follow him on Instagram here and check out some of his videos below! 



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