Important grown-up disclaimer: Relevant to a non-pandemic world, please stick to lockdown rules!
1) Be specific on Grindr about what you want.
I started enjoying the Grindr experience SO much more the moment I decided to be honest about what I wanted from it. So my profile reads “I’ve got a spare inner tube but am still looking for an Alan key, pls help”. Nah jokes, as if I ride a bike 
. But seriously, sex isn’t weird or embarrassing and nor is just saying what you’re into up front.
2) Get your photos right.
Why would you include a photo on your Tinder profile where you’re in the far distance? Like if I’m getting a magnifying glass out to try and make out the details of your face then I’m not gonna swipe right (btw hold onto this in case they’re lying about p*n*s size). Get your gay or female friends (by which I mean, your friends) to take actually good photos of you. Don’t wear sunglasses. Be alone in (most of) your pictures. Wear nice clothes. Come on!!!
3) No one wants a pen pal.
I had a French one when I was 14 and it was utterly tragic. We traded letters (like were we in Middle Ages or WHAT amirite?!) about our families and our schools and our pets and literally not one word about our nascent homosexuality (never got 100% confirmation that Jean-Claude was gay but he sure spoke a lot about Brad Peet and Davide Beckham for a straight garçon). So I cut to the chase and more or less ask matches out on a date straightaway.
4) Be yourself.
I hate myself for how clichéd this is, but it’s taken me a long time to realise that there’s no point in toning yourself down at the start. I’m always like “yeah, I don’t really drink” so I end up with teetotal boiz then one month in bae’s like “HEY LET’S MEET AT 9AM AND GO CHECK OUT THIS NEW GALLERY” and I’m like “bae I can’t breathe cos I had 12 pints and 17 billion shots of tequila last night” and he just doesn’t get why that’s a vibe.
5) Find out early if he’s top/bottom/vers.
It’s tragic that it has to be this way but I really think it does. Tiptoeing around the issue won’t make it go away. The last thing you want is a swordfight or a holefight (????) in the bedroom, or to be one of those couples “looking for a third” on Grindr where it’s super awkward because one of them is x10 more attractive than the other. Sex is important and I wouldn’t date someone who was entirely top or bottom cos I’m a vers boiiiii, so find out early and be ruthless!
By Mark Bittlestone