Author: Mark Bittlestone
Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
Here it is, the natural follow-up to my last blog. Now, before anyone questions my credentials to write columns on both being a top and being a bottom…. I am actually exactly the right person to do it, because I am vers.
So vers I put the vers in Marvel UniVERSe (a proper gay character at last amirite!).
I go through real phases though and over the last year have been in a real bottoming phase so arguably I am fully qualified to write this week’s blog.
Side note: This isn’t a sex blog I’m a comedian not a sexpert, but as I keep reminding you – sex is just one of those things (along with karaoke, lying and getting drunk) that I’m really good at, so I would read it as if it were gospel. Cheers!
Here are my top five bottoming tips…
Look, the first few times you bottom, it is a really weird experience. I don’t actually think the first few times I bottomed were painful, but definitely odd. It feels a bit like someone has videoed you doing a poo, then pressed rewind… So definitely it takes a while to get over that sensation. But once you do, it can and should be really great.
A good way to get enough practice in is to get into a relationship. Obviously fully aware that saying “get into a relationship” to a gay is like asking a gay to “assemble this flatpack wardrobe”: he doesn’t have the required tools and even if he does get there it falls apart almost immediately. Re bottoming though you’re definitely going to enjoy it more if you start out with a regular partner who will get a feel for what you like.
Premier League footballers need to train before matches, elite tennis players spend hours out on the tennis courts between Grand Slams – what makes you think your anus is different? Get yourself a butt plug, a dildo, a vibrator (this listing format could suggest either “one of these” or “all of these” and that’s deliberate), plonk a towel on your bed just in case, get some lube in the mix and get ‘em up there! In no time at all, your arsehole will be like Liverpool Football Club – red raw! No, that’s a joke, I meant a well-oiled, well-trained operation. With Jurgen Klopp right in the middle of it….
I’ve courted controversy before with this statement, but douching really isn’t necessary if you want to bottom! As long as you have a good diet with lots of fibre and drink plenty of water, in general you don’t store faecal matter in your anus. In fact, in my experience douching can make matters worse, and end up disturbing the beast, if you will. So don’t be sold by porn and gay sex forums that bang on about douching. Work out what’s best for you not the idealised version of what a top wants.
Someone once told me that the old Native American proverb ‘if you want to truly know a man, walk a mile in his moccasins’ was actually mistranslated and is in fact ‘if you want to learn how to take a cock, first, give a cock!’ And how right they were! By changing lanes you can discover what position is easiest for a top to enter you, fun and cool things to do with your hands and legs while being fu*ked, dirty talk turn-ons and turn-offs and more! Plus, studies show that you increase in gay attractiveness by 5% when you become a top… so there’s that to consider.
Also, LUBE LUBE LUBE LUBE.