Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
He’s on social media too! Follow Mark on Instagram here
5 straight-up gay ways to… be a good gay dog daddy
This is a gay column about GAY things. I know straight people have dogs but I don’t care about them. I care about the queers. See, due to our natural affinity for animals (which we are gifted when we graduate from gay school…duh), gays do dog parenting differently. We don’t ‘own’ dogs, we parent them. Here’s my top 5 tips for how…
1) Dress your dog up.
Nothing screams “I’m not straight” like having a miniature dachshund by your side dressed in a bumblebee suit. Start simple, with themed costumes such as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, then build up your repertoire. I saw a St Bernard the other day on Hampstead Heath dressed as Ed Miliband. I came immediately, obviously. It was brilliant but I knew its gay owner had started off with simpler outfits before graduating to this masterpiece.
2) Keep your dog’s collar off.
Nudity is the height of camp, and what could be more nude than a dog without a collar? I take my dachshund puppy’s collar off the moment she steps inside the house, because I want her to feel the same body confidence that I do when I walk around the house naked – which is on days that end in y.
3) Talk to your dog like it’s one of your gay friends.
There isn’t enough space here to list all the times my dog has rolled her eyes at me while I painstakingly explain to her how D’anielo wants an open relationship but L’oren’zi is more of a commitment-kween. The other day she visibly sighed (and curled out a turd) when I said “do you know what, I’ve actually come full circle on Copper Verdigris as a wallpaper colour”.
4) Make your dog a (virgin) cosmo.
Every Thursday at 5pm sharp I make my dog a virgin cosmo. She never shows the slightest bit of interest in it, but I think it’s good for her to feel like one of the gays.
5) Walk your dog like you mean it.
Don’t stroll. Don’t wander. Don’t stumble. Walk like you’re on the runway, honey. Soon your dog will learn to respect you and begin to sashay herself. My dog now unmistakably has “the look” when we go for a walk, and she would never, ever not make her clothes herself.
For more from this bitch (and his dog), follow Mark on Instagram right here!
And here’s one or two of his, increasingly shirtless, videos…