Author: Mark Bittlestone
Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
If you are a virgin (to this blog, but if you’re a virgin in real life then… actually maybe that’s next week’s blog?) here’s just a reminder that this is a GAY BLOG FOR GAYS, so don’t come pulling up here if you’re looking for straight tips on straight stuff, cos you won’t find it!
Here are my top five tips for *flexes guns* working out…
1) The gym.
This should be the centre of your gay life. A chance to wear incredibly short shorts, linger in the changing rooms and catch eyes with a hottie in the weights room. I like to make it clear that I’m gay by spending time in the gym taking selfies at a ratio of 3:1 compared to doing actual exercise. That, and I wear a t-shirt that says “I’m gay” on it. Tends to do the trick…
This is a big NO. If you’re doing your workout at home, who can see you sweat? How can you get your daily dose of hotties? If a tree falls in the middle of a forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound? The ONLY time I will accept home workouts is if your garden is visible to your neighbours and you are therefore showing off. Otherwise, it’s a no from me.
These are iconically gay. The music selection. The instructor. The gender ratio of a modern languages degree (9 women: 2 gays). Can’t recommend them enough. Although they no doubt make you sweat, they’re also delightfully performative. “Look at me doing exercise in front of loads of people”. Ok, hun.
4) The park.
Iconique. So attention-seeking – I love it. I have never used the equipment in a park because I don’t understand it and I don’t really see how I’m supposed to lift my own bodyweight (I’m not an ant), but I absolutely love walking past and observing. An excellent added gay extra is the opportunity to go cruising there and then see if the workout horn takes you.
Nope, sorry, this is #NotGay. End of discussion. Even if you’re playing for a gay sports team, you’re still going to be spouting a straight lexicon: “mate, square it”, “well played lads”, “who else fancies having sex with a woman after all this sport?”. To be fair, this is mighty hypocritical because I play for and, indeed, captain, a non-gay soccer team on the weekends. But frankly that’s actually gayer because I get to look at straight men wearing shorts which we all know is really the pinnacle of a gay man’s existence, so, yeah, come at me.
Mark on Instagram here.