​​5 straight-up gay ways to… lose your virginity (if you want to)

Author: Mark Bittlestone 

Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.


Roll up roll up gay boys! *Engages pirate voice* This ‘ere be a blog for gays, so any straights out there can walk the plank! Nah but seriously, I don’t know if straight people lose their virginity and I’m not remotely interested in it. Soooooo this week we’re talking about different options for losing your Vs, but in a gay way.


*Engages serious voice* Important to note that this blog is aimed more toward gays who have already ‘done the deed’ and different ways it might have happened. It’s not advice on how you *should*. How you ‘should’ is always just whenever you are ready and it feels right. This should be taken absurdly lightly.


1) Get it over and done with.

Just do it (if you want to)

This is probably the traditional gay way to do it. Get on Grindr or head to a gay club or go to a barn dance with all them country boys (trying to include American references…did I get it right?) and get it out the way. I’d be more inclined to recommend this method to tops because, in my opinion, bottoming for the first time is probably better done in a mildly more intimate setting but hell, who am I?


2) Wait for Mr Perfect.

Some day my prince will c.u.m.

This is a decent option unless you think that’s never going to happen, which is probably the case for most gays because we are #UnbelievablyPicky amirite? I actually lost my gay virginity (wink wink nudge nudge read #3) in a relationship when I was 21 and that was much better than a random hook-up, because when I said things like “ow” and “that hurts” and “that still really hurts” at least I knew I would have the opportunity to return the favour at some point, which I did, with bells on!!


3) Does sex with a woman count?

Only woman I need in my life xx

I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that I lost my virginity to a woman before I had sex with a man. Although “lost my virginity” is an overstatement. My penis went into a vagina but for probably <30 seconds and wasn’t particularly erect. So was pretty grim for us both tbh. Interesting to consider how although I was suffering from social expectations myself, in turn that was very manipulative of me, but this is a comedy blog so we’ll skirt (eh eh skirts!!) past the topic of gay misogyny and move on.


4) Never do it.

When you’ve 69ed for 3 hours and your tongue is gonna fall off

A bit like vaginal sex in the straight world, I think we’re obsessed with penetrative sex being all that counts for “sex” in the gay world. Actually, sex doesn’t need to involve penetration at all. Some of my favourite sexual encounters have involved 69ing for so long that I had to be put on a ventilator afterwards (poor taste?). But #JokesAside you can define sex how you want and you shouldn’t feel pressure to have anal sex or to enjoy it.


4) Loads of lube.

Use luberally

The previous point notwithstanding, if you are gonna do anal, then loads of lube is really the key. Super slow as well, like imagine when you’re stuck behind an old woman (properly old though) walking down the high street… that slow! The good news is once you’ve done it a few times and start doing it regularly it really is GREAT imo. Like imagine the feeling of doing a poo, but just with a friend!! 🤣


For more from Mark follow him on Instagram here and check out some of his videos below!