Author: Mark Bittlestone
Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
Sooooo for whatever reason you have straight, cisgendered, male friends. I know… why on earth? But there are as many different types of ways for gays to be friends with straight guys as there are fish in the sea (although barely any of those acc Seaspiracy amirite?). Here are 5 straight-up gay ways to ‘keep’ straight cis friends, but keep it gay as fu*k.
1) Hit on them.
So this is Rule 101 of being friends with a straight guy. I like to be pretty outrageous and say things like “I would marry you in a heartbeat” and “you’re really good-looking” and “I’d like to have sex with you now, if at all possible”. The great thing is that it’s homophobic for them to be uncomfortable so they have to be chill about it, even though it’s clearly offending their uber masc self-image. But it’s simultaneously flattering so they kinda like it. Try it!
2) Be all masc.
I employ this a lot because I am quite “masc” presenting – so I’ll be all like “yeah Tottenham didn’t show up against Chelsea” and “pint of lager please, guvnor” and “that woman over there is a lovely woman” (not so good at these ones) but moments later revert back to #1 above which tends to send their straight little heads into a complete meltdown ‘cos they’re like “waiiiitttt, you’re gay bro? You can’t be?!”.
3) Show no interest.
This really infuriates straight guys. Every straight guy automatically assumes that gay guys fancy them; it’s in their DNA. So act like they’re completely invisible and they’ll freak out. I like to wave at them, then when they wave back reply “no sweetie sorry wasn’t waving at you”. All part of my plan to pull apart the brains of my straight friends and put them back together in my image.
4) Act like they owe you.
If you were friends with them before you came out then no doubt you can remember numerous instances of them being homophobic. To be honest even if you can’t just make them up. Then threaten to cancel them and use this to blackmail them into buying you drinks or getting you tickets to Lady Gaga concerts. If they reply “but you said homophobic things as well” just tell them to fu*k off!
5) Unleash their inner camp.
Since coming out I have 100% become more camp and I absolutely believe that so many straight men’s natural persona is significantly more “feminine” (quote marks because this is obviously an absurd and societally constructed phenomenon) than they would let on if they weren’t concerned about people thinking they were gay. By being your natural and wonderful gay self around them hopefully you will encourage them to be more relaxed and present the truer form of themselves. Alternatively, you might cause them (not to mention their ass holes) to clench up; but at least you tried!
For more from Mark follow him on Instagram here and check out some of his videos below!