Author: Mark Bittlestone
Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
I went through a proper dry spell in 2019, a calendar year in which I had sex once (although I ended it at 4am in Jamaica on New Year’s Day 2020 which is pretty cool) and I’m going through a mini dry spell right now (cba to have sex tbh) so thought I would share some of my findings with y’all.
Also, fyi, this is a gay blog for gays BUT there might be useful nuggets (of poo) for straights out there, but then again probably not because you’re all weirdos. Here are my top 5 tips…
1) Treat masturbation sessions like proper events.
We’re talking candles, music, roleplay (dress as a pirate and steal your own buried treasure 
). Drag it out for as long as you can, or “edge” yourself in Grindr parlance. Just definitely shut the door. One time I didn’t realise my housemate had come home and she walked in on an absolute SCENE (I still didn’t stop obv).
2) Ask yourself why your dry spell happening?
Potentially worth diving into this. In 2019 I didn’t really go on any dates or out to any gay bars or gay events or anything. I just fumed at how difficult it was to meet gay guys and got annoyed with myself. Then I got over it in 2020, downloaded Grindr and started living #MyBestLife (depending on how you look at it). So take it as an oppo for some self-reflection. Or don’t and just get hammered and eat chocolate (which I also did), up to you.
3) Date!
So whether you’re dry spell is self-inflicted or not, it doesn’t mean you can’t date. But if you do, don’t go into it being like ‘I need this to end my dry spell’, because otherwise you’ll walk over to your date and start getting with him in the middle of a crowded bar (there’s no chance this is autobiographical). Instead just be chill and try and work out what kind of guy you like and what dates work and all that jazz.
4) Get Grindr.
So if you want to end your dry spell then Grindr is a good option lollllll. I just started being super open and blunt about what I wanted on it and all of a sudden the floodgates (my anus) opened 
. Nah but seriously cut all the small talk and the crap and get to the point on it and it’s q fun. Although I also got a dog at the same time as this one-night-stand revolution and that has proven a nightmare (not cos I involve her in the sex just cos she hates male strangers).
5) Go to orgies.
Ha this sounds like I’m a #Veteran. I’ve only been to one but it was jokes. Everyone there was super nice. What was particularly funny is that the event would go in waves, like one minute we would all be chinwagging about like Drag Race and the weather and then you look around a minute later and everyone would be having sex. But yeah an orgy is certainly one way to break a dry spell, in the way that going to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory is a fun way to end Lent.